Pants Are Officially Dead To Me.

Yes.

I’m rapidly approaching that stage in pregnancy where underwear serves no useful purpose, whatsoever.

Pants are pointless.

Bras are futile.

Pants and bras together are some like kind of elaborate torture device attacking either end of my ever-expanding uterus. Simultaneously. In cotton-blend.

Pre-preggo WallyMummy would live it up in matching bra and knickers and everything. I know. Just like a real girl… Or one of those ones from telly… Or dreams… Or Narnia.

Frankly, these puppies were well past the ‘hoistable’ stage once the last milk vampire was finished with them… but following yet another expansion; my areolas are now the size of doughnuts, and the texture of lego… a little beyond the smoothing abilities of a standard M&S t-shirt bra.

My muffin-top has become a full blown cake-plateau. There is no knicker line that flatters spherical. And anyone who thinks their post-pregnancy perineum will so much as let them utter the word ‘thong’  has got a nasty surprise awaiting them.

My arms no longer have the strength to reach around my back and unclip anything. It’s like I’m channeling a toddler trying to thread a shoelace through a piece of macaroni. It’s never gonna happen. We’re just wasting time, pasta and fine motor skills…
Things are made even worse by the fact that each time I sit down my thighs now spread out to the circumference of the sun, and my stupid womb-overhang won’t allow for any kind of leg crossing. My only available seated position is sumo-squat. And on behalf of pregnant women everywhere I would like to very much thank nature for this flattering and beautiful pose. Almost as dignifying as the birth itself, but with slightly less vagina on show. Hopefully. 
So. Next time you see a pregnant lady waddling her way down the street with her dimply-bangers flapping in the wind… think of this post and have some f@*king sympathy.

And enjoy thongs while you can.

Because soon your vagina will just say no.

And your labia will eat them.

#pantsaredead
#pregnancysucks
#willhappilysellababyforagin

28 Comments

  1. Eilidh Gallagher August 13, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 14, 2014
  2. Emma Lane M.U.A August 13, 2014
  3. Mardy Kerrie August 13, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 14, 2014
    • Steph Douglas August 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 21, 2014
  4. Arwen Webb August 13, 2014
  5. Suzanne W August 13, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 14, 2014
  6. brummymummyof2 August 13, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 14, 2014
  7. Tom IdeasforDads August 13, 2014
  8. Donna August 13, 2014
  9. MylifeMylove August 13, 2014
  10. The Brick Castle August 14, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 14, 2014
  11. Lauren August 14, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 14, 2014
  12. Tom Briggs August 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 21, 2014
  13. Actually Mummy... August 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 21, 2014

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