11 Things You Should Know About Owning a Newborn…

1. Obviously. You don’t own them. They own you mother fucker.

2. Apparently newborn babies sleep up to eighteen hours a day… but only whilst on your chest, with you at a 47 degree angle, whilst being rocked, opening their left eye every 20-minutes to check you’re “still there”, as the blood moon rises in Venus, and we all fling a fucking fanny over a rainbow and you resign yourself to only resting while you blink for the next couple of years or so…

3. Except for when the health visitor comes – at this time they will always sleep. Deeply. To make you look like a liar.

4. No matter how forcefully you shove your nipple in front of their face, they’re still gonna have to check their own fist isn’t actually a tit at least twelve times before they trust you. Naturally.

5. You will only ever find the muslin after your baby has recreated that scene from the exorcist, even though YOU JUST HAD IT FFS – HOW CAN IT HAVE GONE MISSING WHEN I HAVEN’T EVEN MOVED?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!?? Oh. Found it under my arse again.

6. It’s never just a fart. But we all enjoy lying to ourselves.

7. You never realised you could smell so bad and give so few fucks.

8. To begin with your baby will probably want to cluster-feed for the few hours before bedtime. And the few hours once you’re in bed. Then through the night. Again through the morning. And the entire fucking day too. So good luck getting anything other than crying and nipple-lubing done. #thedream

9. Remember you can use your own tears as moisturiser and the answer is yes – it is possible to hold a poo in for three days because you’ve been permanently stuck underneath an infant.

10. Why do the actual washing when instead you can douse all the yellow-shit-stained-baby-gros in Vanish and simply leave them in front of the washing machine until they’ve grown out of them…

11. If anyone suggests that your baby should be sleeping through the night it’s perfectly acceptable to bludgeon them to death with a breast pump and/or your face. Which you have no feeling in anyway – because you are at the level of exhaustion you reach literally just before you are classified dead.

#justanormalmummy #newbornlife #fourweeksin #thingsyoushouldknow

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