Top 10 Tips for Dealing With Toddlers and Young Children on Snow Days

It’s kind of weird that I’m writing this in mid March… but hey. ‘The Beast From the East’ (and it’s younger slightly-less-aggressive brother ‘The Twat From the Right’), has spun the UK in to CHAOS. (Which has mostly meant we’re all bitching about being cold, have bought extra milk, are quite annoyed about our wheely-bins not being collected and have to post snow pictures on …

The Mummy-Vortex

If someone had told me almost seven years ago that I’d be sat here typing words about how hard ‘just being a mum everyday’ could be… or how lonely, isolating, and constantly emotionally draining moments of parenthood can be – I’d be telling them to fuck off. It doesn’t mean it’s not wonderful. Because it so often is. It doesn’t mean my kids aren’t the …

How to ‘Do Christmas’ now you have School-Children…

Christmas is different now… Good different, new different, my baubles are made out of biscuits and glitter-that-NEVER-STOPS-F*CKING-SHEDDING-EVER different. But certainly DIFFERENT. And here, for the parents with small children at school, is precisely HOW: THE FATHER CHRISTMAS THREAT ACTUALLY WORKS. I now realise there is a specific window between age four and maybe about age seven where December becomes the most well behaved month OF THEIR …

The 50/50 Mum…

I’m never sure whether to publish posts like this. They wait in my ‘drafts’ folder staring at me. Full of things I’m never sure if I want to share, or if I’d rather keep hidden away once the words are written… so I don’t have to be reminded of them again. But if blogging has taught me anything – it’s that opening up about my …

WINTER READY… #MummyStyle 

Ah… the winter season is almost upon us. And with it comes early evenings, snuggles on the sofa and hot drinks… ORRRRR if you’ve got small children – stone cold tea you’ve already re-heated four times in microwave covered in porridge, while everyone sits on you using their elbows, and cries because they hate the dark… sort of same really… *rocks and goes to happy …

How to Make Friends and Influence People ON THE SCHOOL RUN

I’ve been a school mum for an entire year now… hard to believe I’ve spent 12-months arriving at the school gates with all the children I own dressed, fed, and mostly on-time with all the ‘stuff’ they need… but I have. So here’s my clearly-now-expert guide to surviving the school run in style. As you’ll be doing it FOREVER (or atleast until you are nearly …

10 Scenarios Every Parent of Small People Will Face on a Foreign Holiday 

I’ve done a fair few foreign holidays with my kids now… and I’ve lived to tell the tales, ride the inflatable whales, and not yet been thrown in any jails… And mainly I can tell you they all pretty much follow the same format. So if your embarking to the Costas with your toddlers (sorry. I’ll stop attempting to make everything rhyme really shitly now.) then …

Dear Kids. The World Can be Beautiful…

The world can be beautiful This world can be great You’ll meet wonderful people And learn to ignore hate Not all things are terrible On this planet we call home You have so much to look forward to Despite how much we all moan Like going to your first festival Being desperate to learn to drive Yearning to have your first cigarette – It’ll be …

The ‘Before & After’ Parenting Glossary

Going to the Toilet: Definition BEFORE – A brief moment behind a locked door you never really thought about… Definition AFTER – ‘Mummy, Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, M-U-M-M-Y???!!!’ ‘Yes.’ *optional deep sigh* ‘Can you bend forward so I can watch your poo come out?’ Mealtimes: Definition BEFORE – Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Definition AFTER – How ever many cold, discarded, partly-chewed fish-fingers …