The ‘Before & After’ Parenting Glossary

Mealtimes: Definition BEFORE – Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Definition AFTER – How ever many cold, discarded, partly-chewed fish-fingers you can eat over the kitchen bin with your Prosecco before the tears start… Hug: Definition BEFORE – sexy time. Definition AFTER – I just feel like crying. For a few hours. Until lots of snot comes out of my face. And during which time I relinquish all …

11 Types of #Toddler you always see at Toddler Group

Toddler groups are not for the faint hearted. But once you’ve found a good one, (mainly one with free biscuits and without any Judgey-Mc-Twatty-Mummy-Folk), all that’s really left to do is work on your ‘scarf-game’, pretend you know the words to all the nursery rhymes, and indulge in free food and ACTUAL HOT TEA. OK. Getting you and your toddler there on-time and in a reasonable …

13 Ways Having a Toddler is Exactly Like Having a Cat.

They will only fall asleep when it’s least convenient. On you. Fully aware that simply by ‘looking cute’ you will be unable to move for the next three hours. Regardless of when you last fed them, 90% of their day is about continually asking for food. Under the pretence of love and affection… Once fed, they’ll discard you like an empty worthless husk and laugh at you …

First toddler versus second toddler… the shit you REALLY need to know…

Sometimes it amazes me just how different my two children are… I don’t think that ‘I’m’ any different… I mean, I thought I did a pretty good job the first time… in fact, I thought I’d do better second time round as there’d be no surprises… no winging it… I’d be a pro… it’d be easy… yeah…? (Idiot.) I wasn’t. I’m not. It isn’t. Thinking I knew …

11 Things You Learn in Your First Year of #Toddler

You need to be able to run faster. (Much faster.) Pre-selecting your own shoes is always a mistake. You’ll learn that… You’ll learn… *twitches a bit and starts stroking some Uggs* Snack bribery and the iPhone are now your only parenting methods… You’re both happy and comfortable with this. You should NEVER have spent that much on a sofa. Your life is all about ‘throws’ now… …

Before and After: Christmas With a Toddler…

People say that you don’t know the ‘true meaning of Christmas’ until you have your own children… that having small children around makes it entirely magical… Which I honestly 100% agree with. Right up to the point my infant son bum-wee-d across my bed on Boxing Day morning and rolled in it… but other than that I’m TOTALLY with you… I’ve done a few ‘Toddler …

The Real Mummy’s Christmas List…

Now I’m on my 5th festive period as a parent… I’ve pretty much stopped thinking about myself at Christmas. My children are almost five and two, and since 1st December all I’ve done is rearrange all the baubles my toddler tries to feed to himself/my cats, eat my bodyweight in chocolate, and develop a tick every time I hear the word ‘Hatchimal’… But despite the fact …

Sorry. I was a Dick.

I’ve been thinking about how I was ‘before parenthood’ a lot lately… I’m not really sure why… Maybe because a lot of my friends are starting to have babies, or maybe because mine don’t seem to really be ‘babies’ anymore. No. With one having just started school, writing her name and singing nativity songs (oh yes… constantly… *twitches a bit*), and a small one who spends most days punching me …

Things You Should Know About Owning A Toddler… Again.

I admit it. I was complacent. I was smug. I thought to myself… I’ve done toddler. I’ve toddlered before. I know about toddlering. Second time round… I’ve got this toddler shit down. But. Oh how wrong I was… The truth is. My second toddler appears to have viewed his sister’s toddler days from the womb, like some kind of ‘toddler trial’, which needs to ‘bettered’. …