Ah… the winter season is almost upon us. And with it comes early evenings, snuggles on the sofa and hot drinks… ORRRRR if you’ve got small children – stone cold tea you’ve already re-heated four times in microwave covered in porridge, while everyone sits on you using their elbows, and cries because they hate the dark… sort of same really… *rocks and goes to happy place*
So for all you parent folk out there, here’s how to get ready for Winter – #MummyStyle.
- It’s time. IT’S FINALLY TIME… Time to grow your winter leg-coat under your leggings. At the point where you can no longer locate your knee-caps and/or vagina entrance, you’ll know yours has reached its full potential. (Which will have the handy additional benefit of being a natural contraceptive.)
- Revel in the fact that you basically don’t have to brush your hair until about March now that operation-bobble-hat will soon be fully in commission.
- Every time you think you need a pedicure? Drink some more wine and slip your Ugg boots back on.
- Enjoy the sensation of sticking your hands into the pockets of your oversized padded winter coat for the first time this year to discover some £1 coins that are about to go out of circulation, what looks like part of a Gregg’s sausage roll, and a packet of Pom Bears from the mid-2000’s welded to the lining with a hybrid mixture of raisins, rice cakes and something you really fucking hope is chocolate.
- You will now spend your evenings frothing at the mouth as you endlessly fantasy-shop for kids clothes on mini Boden, white company, baby Gap etc etc, then end up buying all your children’s entire winter wardrobe by accident on a shopping trip to Sainsbury’s whilst they munch on a french-stick in the trolley whilst crying.
- Warm baths, toasty slippers, hot chocolate… are what you USED to do on a chilly Sunday in October… from now on you’ll be having a quick wipe under the pits with a baby-wipe whilst hiding in the bathroom, before using the same baby-wipe to clean the sink, and eating the contents of their latest party bag. Quickly. Before they find you… Or pick the lock (again).
- It’s a hard job but someone’s gotta start testing mince pies from Halloween just in case… *coughs*
- From this day onwards you’ll just be wearing really baggy clothes… Happy in the knowledge that you no longer have to ‘suck it in’ and the other day you bought some coconut oil so that’ll probably make you healthy anyway… right? Even though you don’t actually know what to use it for… (Apparently everything?) I just like to leave mine on the side for when people come over, next to my light-box and my Yankee candies, so they’ll think I’m ‘on trend’ or some shit…
- Turn your heating on. Then remember your husband is a tight bastard and eventually end up bludgeoning him to death with an unopened pot of coconut oil for telling you to ‘just put another jumper on’ for the 75th time that evening.
- Apparently a ‘bold lip distracts from a tired eye‘… however since I haven’t managed lipstick, small pants or a bra since 2012 I’ll be going with a RFBS – A Really Fucking Big Scarf – Until spring.
- And finally – don’t forget to spend your evenings googling recipes for winter pimms (It’s cold you need to drink more *hot drinks) (ok *hot alcohol), whilst creating a wish-list of Christmas presents for the kids on Amazon. All of which you will return to buy on payday to discover the price has now gone up 4,000 percent. Or is out of stock until January. Fucking excellent. *puts an extra jumper on and sulks into some winter pimms*