How to Deal with a Runaway Toddler

Don’t chase after them. It gives them more power. Like they actually feed off of your pain and suffering.
Especially NO crying. Tears make them faster. 
Work on your sprint start in the evenings. Those bastards are quicker than you know.
Learn how to dress, un-dress and re-dress them again while they are running. One handed. Without looking. Whilst dragging the pushchair along with your teeth. And knitting a fucking rainbow with your spare hand. 
Wellies are the only footwear required now. It is physically impossible to ‘run’ in Wellington Boots. FACT. Slows the little buggers down.
Where necessary use their reins as a lasso… 
Dirty tactics are your only hope – tripping, hair pulling, hood grabbing, Heinz Biscotti and tasering all perfectly acceptable.
Superglue velcro onto there hands and hair, and let’s see who throws their shitting hat and gloves off in the park now…
Never try to make your own humous. Nothing to do with running. I just needed to get it in somewhere.
Don’t let them out of the buggy in large open spaces until they ask. Then pretend you haven’t heard them and turn up your iPod until you get home. Drowns out the screaming. 
NEVER EVER EVER attempt to grab their hand. It could be the last thing you ever do…
Never leave the house without ginning up the sippy cups. (Obviously. Applies to all parenting scenarios)
Never leave the house…

If you feel like giving up, just remember, it’s because of them that where your vagina used to wink, it now looks permanently surprised. Runaway toddlers are nothing. And there’s always #gin

#runawaytoddler
#stayheregin

14 Comments

  1. diaryofanewbiestrongwoman March 29, 2013
  2. sabrina montagnoli March 29, 2013
    • Wally Mummy March 29, 2013
  3. Kate Pirouette March 29, 2013
    • Wally Mummy March 29, 2013
  4. Izzie Anderton March 29, 2013
    • Wally Mummy March 29, 2013
  5. Kat Pearce March 29, 2013
  6. Rhiannon Mair March 30, 2013
  7. Sarah March 30, 2013

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