Christmas is dead.
And now, the depression of January with its lack of Quality Street breakfasts and ‘dryness’ of alcohol looms. Stupid sober bastard boring sober January.
So. For all the owners of tiny folk out there – here’s my list of realistic New Year Resolutions for you all to enjoy with your last glass of morning chardonnay. (Until February that is. Obvs.)
- Start eating breakfast every morning… The most important meal of the day… No need to prep any food of your own, simply leave your mouth open whilst feeding the baby. Just swallow. Don’t chew. *gags a bit* *considers never buying Weetabix ever again*
- Go on social media less. Ok – Only whilst drunk. Alright – Don’t actually post anything, turn all your settings to private and pretend you’re not on Facebook whilst stalking everyone and laughing at their lives while you cry into some Tofu. (But the drunk thing still stands.)
- Buy a Spiralizer. And then Spiralize your own f@*king face off for using the word Spiralizer before putting it at the back of the cupboard with the juicer, the smoothie maker, the soup machine and all the pencils, batteries and hair grips in Narnia, and the last dying memories of your pre-natal labia.
- Consider shouting at your children less… Then remember they don’t listen to you anyway and you EARNED THAT GODDAMN RIGHT WHEN THEY TOBOGGANED THROUGH YOUR CERVIX AFTER MAKING YOU CLINICALLY OBESE FOR 9-MONTHS. (or something)
- You will not wear leggings everyday. Ok. You will not wear the same leggings everyday. Alright. You will only wear the same leggings for three days and you will febreeze your fanjo in between.
- Go to sleep an hour earlier… by cutting out all non-essential tasks like eating, washing, un-dressing and actually clearing away yesterday’s breakfast products/the mile-long of VTech Toot Toot your children received for Xmas which means you can’t enter your lounge anymore…
- Never go to bed on an argument…. So… never actually go to bed then…?!
- Leave only positive people in your life and cut out the twats. Or see point 2 and just secretly Facebook stalk them. Only resurface if you think it’ll result in an invite to a wedding. As you plan on attending simply to look fabulous. (and drink all the alcohol whilst judging them.)
- Take more time for yourself… By upping the nursery hours and using that time to do washing up and dismantle the towers of c@nting Toot-Toot.
- Stop writing blogposts under the influence of an entire tub of festive Mini Cheddars washed down with an entire tub of gin… Shit.
Happy New Year People x