In a former life, before children, morning-wine and the death of my vagina (twice), getting ‘summer-ready’ used to be something to look forward to…
Pruning, plucking and preening myself ready for some sun was a joy… A relaxing Sunday afternoon’s work to be revelled in, enjoyed and savoured… But now as full-deforestation looms on the horizon, my thoughts turn to how (given that the spare four minutes I get a day I currently use to weep and eat twixes in the utility room), I’m going to manage the fairly monumental task of summer-readying a body that has suffered with 12 months of angry pregnancy, baby and gin-related neglect….
So here’s how I’ll be getting Summer-Ready. Mummy-Style:
- Under-arms: Shave them quickly. Over the sink. In 10 second intervals so you don’t have to look away for too long… as the toddler eats the cat food and the baby pukes through the leg holes of the jumperoo… If you make it through without severing an arm off you can take this as a #win.
- Legs: Shave as little of your legs as possible. Don’t worry about the backs or anything above the knee. F@*k it. Just do the front of your ankles and be done. Remember to remove the rust from the blade and failing that get the kitchen scissors on the case for the clumps. Try not to sit down next to anyone you know whilst wearing shorts… except your husband. He’s over it. Trust me.
- Bikini line: Just trim it back to the point you can wear a skirt without looking like you’re smuggling tobacco in your vagina. Take the time to reminisce… Let’s go back about 4 years to your pre-baby self and try to remember what it was like to neaten up the old fanjo without having to physically fold bits of yourself out of the way first… *sobs*
- Eyebrows: Pluck from below not above… And by below I mean your chin and/or nipples… (And toes)
- Hair: Yes. You can do your roots while still wearing your mum-pony-tail… #phew
- Sunglasses: GO BIG. To hide the past five years of vertical sleeping and general gin-laced despair… LAUGHS MANICALLY WHILST KNOCKING BACK A WINE, ROCKING AND SUCKING OWN THUMB.
- Fake tan: Try to make the rest of you the same colour as the back of your palms, forehead and shoulders… Otherwise known as the mum-tan. Obviously you’ll have to do one body part at a time. And pray that you’ve timed it just right so the toddler and baby don’t together engage in a collaborative poonami worthy of an X-Men movie and take out the entire lounge.
- Skincare: Why cleanse when you can use your own tears to self-moisturise each evening…? Also try to avoid deepening your scowl lines by simply ignoring your husband while he uses a new cup EVERY BASTARD TIME HE MAKES A CUP OF TEA. Or something.
- Makeup: Invest in a decent bronzer and a really nice lipgloss to join the rotting rice cake shards, raisin packets and dubiously stained toddler underwear lurking at the bottom of the change bag… it’ll make you feel good about yourself. *flinches a bit*
- Swimwear: Remember bikinis… Well you shouldn’t. They’re not for you anymore. Take a moment to mourn them while picking out a support tankini in Debenhams whilst you cry into a packet of the toddler’s Pom-Bears.