Toddler Life Lessons

Never let anyone question your right to fart freely.
Never have your nappy changed without a fight. Go for the eyes… And the nipples…
Never eat anything green*
*Or that isn’t chips. 
Anything can be a hat. AN-Y-THING. (except hats)
Teething should always be a shared experience…
Parents should NEVER be allowed to go to the toilet alone. They could be trying to escape. Or use the iPad without you.
If they try to remove your swim poncho… cut them. 
Everything is better whilst naked. FACT.
No matter what they tell you, you CAN communicate with cats by hugging them.
The ‘In The Night Garden’ swirly-finger-palm-thingy NEVER gets old. EVER. Mix things up by using substituting your finger for a knife… On your own face… With your eyes closed… 
If Mummy sits down at any point in your presence this is an invitation to climb her using any available loose neck skin and use her womb as a trampoline.
Never let them cut your hair. If it’s getting long, smooth it down with yoghurt and faeces.
Bunches are a sign of weakness… 
…Along with colouring on the paper provided…
Say no at least 10 times until you’re sure it’s not a trap.
No lift should EVER be entered without you pressing the button. 
Dance like no-one’s watching, sing like no-one’s listening and TRAVEL BASTARD EVERYWHERE IN YOUR FISHER-PRICE COZY COUPE. 
If ever you think they have the upper hand, just remember; it still freaks them out when you don’t blink often enough… 
…And that you can escape your Grobag… one handed… in the dark…

#toddlerlifelessons
#MummysleanrttogetthroughitwithGIN

Wot So Funee?

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