Last weekend a small piece of my soul died as I sat through a sing-a-long version of Frozen at our local cinema with the two-year-old, and *whispers* not only quite enjoyed it and also knew most of the words… (ok all the words.)
It was, in fact, a complete success… Although given my criteria for success is either ‘Was it better than childbirth?’ or ‘Do I get to eat cake while doing that?’… I wouldn’t get too excited…
But yes. We survived. Honestly. My husband has the bite marks to prove it…
We’re no modern day Von Trapps, but the toddler bloody loved getting her groove on whilst belting out ‘Let It Go’ at an impressive level to rival the pack of 5-year olds behind us. And it was actually almost… relaxing…
I did say that word.
I could be hooked. A two hour session of toddler entertainment where I basically sit on my arse, occasionally providing a chocolate button, sort of paying attention and blaming my pregnancy flatulence on the surrounding small people whilst eating Whisper Bites… What’s not to like?!
So. For those yet to brave the big screen with a pre-schooler, here’s my tips for making the most of it:
Do not arrive early. Instead spend the morning completing a series of toddler-exhausting challenges; playground laps, scooter circuits, badger chasing… arrive as the film starts, then sit back and relax…
NO sugar in the lead up. It’s the toddler equivalent of doing crack before you head to the library. Less calories in, equals less skin and hair pulled out.
Avoid the snack counter. They place the fruit-shoots at toddler eye level deliberately. Because they are c@*ts.
Have a scale of treats. Begin with fruit flakes/optimistic orange segments for ‘sit down’ bribery, escalate to Pom-Bears or chocolate buttons for ‘please get off my lap and just bloody watch it’ encouragement, and keep the holy grail that is Haribo for when they start assaulting other children with their booster seat and heading at speed for the fire-exit…
Containment, containment, containment. Sit either side. Use large bags as containment units to block any visible exits. Be aware, toddlers can climb. And you might not be aware of this yet, but you can’t.
Establish a series of elaborate hand gestures which you and your husband can furiously sign at one another in order to ensure all snack demands and containment breaches can be dealt with swiftly. Obviously it will be his fault if the Pom-Bears aren’t administered in a speedy enough fashion at any point. Twat.
Make eye contact with no-one. Ignore everyone around you and focus on keeping the toddler completely engaged. Anything goes in this man-made dimly-lit fortress of parental popcorn-laden guilt… If you need to punch a feral six-year-old in the face with a pic’n’mix bucket for obscuring your view, then that’s just what you need to do.
Remember. This is your chance to weep freely while no-one is watching you… Let it all out whilst eating sour cherries until you can’t feel your face.