Potty Training Manoeuvres No Human Person Should Ever Have to Endure.Ever.

We have begun the dreaded potty training…

The precision learnings of the ‘pot that shall remain nameless’…

The pee-pee-poo-festival of the potty-pot-pot-pot-pot…

Yes.

That glamorous phase of toddler parenting where you once again get up close and personal with your child’s bodily fluids and functions, and once again taste the shit of a human… Daily…

It’s a phase that strikes fear into the hearts and souls of parents everywhere and carries with it the burden of being responsible for your child. Nappy-less. Able to poo, pee and fiddle freely. In public. Sometimes on pavements. Or other toddlers. Or Alsatians. But mostly you.

There are many things humans shouldn’t see with their actual eyes… death, destruction, famine, your toddler’s faeces smeared across your new cream carpet and a large section of your pets… but so far here’s some of the things I’ve learnt on my potty-journey, which I now impart to you:

  1. Don’t be tempted to wipe your face with the back of your hand whilst breaking into a sweat half way through a particularly hefty poo disposal… #turdbrow.
  2. Letting them carry their pee-filled-potty to the toilet themselves is risky… attempting to wrestle to off of them whilst they are carrying it will result in a golden shower for two. (Not the sexy kind.)
  3. There are only so many Dettol wipes and kitchen rolls one person should use in their life time. And yep, you just smashed your quota in the last four minutes.
  4. You’ve been to buy pants. You’ve followed all the advice; carefully allowed the toddler to select the ones they want, encouraged them to admire their new bottom-cotton in the mirror, praised and cheered as they’ve pulled them on in the morning… and now you can only look on as your toddler pisses through them like a f@*king polka-dotted tea strainer.
  5. If you haven’t noticed it… it hasn’t happened… until your husband arrives home and it can be both his fault and problem. #toddlerloginthecorner
  6. Bushes and hedgerows are your new best friend. Respect them, hug them, talk to them even… then pour your toddler’s freshly squeezed urine all over them. Beautiful.
  7. Car journeys aren’t.
  8. Your child-less friends will probably be a little bit taken a back when they pop round for a cup of tea, and your two-year-old curls one off in the living room potty just as they’re tucking into a toffee crisp. Apparently they think it’s disgusting or something…?! Weirdos.
  9. You’ll never be so bored of the sound of your own voice asking if they need a wee… each time you say it a little bit of your soul actually rots away, and your vagina cries. #truestory
  10. DO NOT (in a desperate attempt to leave the house somewhere near on time and pretend it’s all going FINE AWESOME BRILLIANT) tickle them until they start to wee everywhere and hopefully sort of catch some in a bucket and/or glass.
  11. *whispers* Sometimes… we all just let it dry…
#thankmelater
#withgin
#turdbrow

 

40 Comments

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