Shit. The Toddler's Got a Tan…

Shit. The toddler’s got a tan.
Believe me, this was not my plan…
No matter how much I rub and squirt,
The lotion’s just repelled by her perma-dirt.

I put on a t-shirt, she rips it off,
Along with her nappy right down to her crocs.
She’s like a naked turdy missile seeking the sun,
The only thing that’s white is her little toddler bum.

Hats are a universal toddler conspiracy,
Sent by the Parenting Gods, just to to take the piss out of me.
I’ve tried caps, velcro straps, even a bastard panama…
She only keeps one on when she’s posing for a shitting camera.

I douse her in ’50’, I don’t miss a spot,
But I’ve still ended up with a teak-coloured tot.
I should be upset, but all I can do is whine…
Now her bloody tan lines are better than mine!

So shit. The toddlers got a tan.
I admit I’m the world’s worst SPF-wingman.
‘I am the twatty failure of an angry lotion monitor’,
And I’d literally tear out a kidney for a large gin and tonica.


p.s. Crazily enough, my little blog has been nominated for two awards! If you’ve got a few seconds to vote for Just a Normal Mummy I’d be so grateful! 

You can vote for me in’Best Family Blog’ (category 13) here:

….and… ‘Best Preschool Blog’ (3rd down) here:

Thank you! xx


  1. London Mum July 18, 2014
  2. me and the tiny 3 July 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 1, 2014
  3. Mylifemylove July 18, 2014
  4. Sian PottyMouthedMummy July 18, 2014
  5. July 18, 2014
  6. Jai @ Kiddy Reviews July 18, 2014
  7. Tas D July 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 1, 2014
  8. Paul Wandason July 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 1, 2014
  9. Hurrah for gin July 19, 2014
  10. Actually Mummy... July 19, 2014
  11. Tom IdeasforDads July 19, 2014
  12. mummyofboygirltwins July 21, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 1, 2014
  13. Kyla August 4, 2014
  14. Jo Nicholson August 4, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 5, 2014
  15. Roxy July 17, 2015

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