Things I’d forgotten about how shit it is to be pregnant.

Yes.

That’s right blog followers and fellow wonky vagina owners… this is my rather unsubtle way of telling you all that WallyBubba #2 is in progress and already reached the ripe old age of 14 weeks of womb time.

*pauses for mixed reactions of happiness, hopelessness, uncontrollable wailing (my own) and outright astonishment* 

Obviously. I’m happy. I’m over the shitting moon. But it’s fair to say that baby number 2’s ability to bring infinite joy has been slightly jaded. Mostly by knowledge… I KNOW how shit pregnancy, birth, babyhood, toddlerhood and my uterus are now, and I’m still f@*king doing it again. Yes. OVER THE F@*KING MOON.
So, with the wonders of pregnancy conveniently blotted out up to now, I can’t deny the symptoms are catching up with me again. So naturally it’s time for an inappropriate and offensive blogpost listing all the things that are truly shit about pregnancy:

  • You can’t stop eating Pot Noodles. No matter how dirty they make you feel inside.
  • The really shit parts of your personality (or lack of) are exposed due to the lack of alcohol… #true.
  • You’re exhausted, but at 3am your body says F@*K YOU SLEEP. I NEED A WEE, A PACKET OF MINI CHEDDARS, SOME AFTER EIGHTS AND AN UNNECESSARY SERIES OF ANGRY SIGHS.
  • The yellow arches are your new best friend. You’re ashamed. But yes. You will be going large on that McLunch thanks very much oh mystic giver of breaded chicken McLumps…
  • You don’t quite look pregnant yet, you just look like you really like pies. And McLunches… oh… (shit)
  • You have to listen to annoying fruit analogies. My baby is not an avocado… Unless you know of an avocado that grows to weigh 7lbs and tears through vaginas using a combination of its teeth and kung fu.
  • The area previously known as your ankles has begun to merge successfully with your calves… and instead of lower legs you now instead have very long knees. Shorts really aren’t for you now. *whispers* but then, they never were…
  • Also, what the f@*k has happened to my belly button…?!
  • You’ve noticed how much prosecco your friends really drink. In heels. Selfish twats.
  • Plus now you’re pregnant, all your friends will announce amazing birthday parties, trips abroad, hen-dos, weddings and loads of other stuff you’re invited to be farty, sweaty and spherical at. Awesome.
  • In the last three months, the most exciting thing you’ve done is eat a medium rare steak on your wedding anniversary followed by an entire camembert. Which you ate using only your face. #rebel
  • You’ve lost all ability to hoover, dust or cook… yet you can muster the strength for John Lewis’s baby department no problem.
  • Your life is filth and takeaways now. Until the baby comes… when it’s filth, takeaways and faeces.
  • You should be sprinting after your daredevil toddler… but instead you are fairly busy puking in a bin. (This should be the moment that puts you off Pot Noodles… instead you come up fancying one again… #grim)
  • You know you’re becoming angry, unsociable and unreasonable, but this doesn’t stop you sending your husband out at 10pm for a Yop and a packet of pork scratching. This is all his fault after all.
  • Oh gin…. *le sigh*
#byebyegin
#byebyepersonality
#hellofilthtakeawaysandfaeces

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