Just a few days to go until the big event folks…
Which means there’s still plenty of time for many entirely normal parents to go a little bit mental in the name of Christmas… They may well be completely ordinary, adult, we-own-a-hyundai-and-have-cats-and-a-consevatory kinda people for the other 11 months of the year, but December holds mystical and magical powers which can turn even the most ordinary of child-owning folks into dicks. December dicks. Festive dicks. Dicks of the holiday season. A time for total and complete Christmas Dickishness. (totally a thing)
So. Please. Read on if you want to attempt to maintain non-dickish behaviour as much as possible during the festive period… Because as I’ve said before. No-one wants to be a dick. Because being a dick (especially at Christmas) is mostly for dicks.
- Firstly. I know you may think that no-one in your Facebook news feed has EVER seen a Christmas Tree before… but… (and this may surprise you so try not to shit yourself here) WE HAVE. So uploading pictures of yours the second you have decorated it captioned ‘Christmas has arrived!‘ or ‘Tree’s up!’ with a christmas tree emoticon is sort of not necessary… and actually pretty fucking obvious.
- Secondly. I think we all know that ‘little Johnny’ didn’t evenly space and perfectly arrange those baubles… In fact, I think we all know that ‘little Johnny’ was mostly eating fairy-lights and garrotting a cat with some tinsel whilst pulling some shit out of his nappy to add his own ‘special touch’ to the pop-up nativity scene on the mantel piece whilst the tree decorating was going on…. so cut the bullshit people. Bullshit is for dicks.
- No-one has ever seen a baby dressed up as an Elf/Reindeer/Christmas Pudding/Santa-Claus before EVER. You’ll be totally original. Definitely. So be sure to get all the angles. Across at least 50 photos. And tag everyone you know. Across all social media. Every day. Forever.
- (Or don’t. Just a suggestion.)
- I hadn’t realised before I had children that buying gifts for your kids was actually a competition… I was not aware that the true ‘Spirit of Christmas’ had F-all to do with peace to all men, shit jumpers and drinking enough Baileys you lose control of your speech and/or limbs during a particularly energetic round of Charades with Grandma… Nope. I was wrong. Apparently it’s about instagramming the shit out of mountain of gifts just so EVERYONE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU’VE SPENT… Which even Father Christmas agrees is pretty dickish… Rudolph is farting angry-reindeer-farts in your general dickish direction.
- Oh. And don’t forget to time hop any previous year’s efforts for comparison… *rolls eyes*
- Pictures of smug home-made crafts… STOP LYING WE ALL KNOW KIDS JUST PAINT EVERYTHING BLACK (regardless of the palette) WHILST YOU CONTINUALLY BRIBE THEM WITH CRISPS AND FANTA. Yep. Another round of Skips flavoured black egg cups this year… (Sorry to any of our nearest and dearest for whom I’ve just spoiled the surprise. You lucky bastards.)
- Elf on the Shelf. Is a Dick.
- Please continue to ask if ’45 presents for an 8-month old baby’ is enough in local mummy-forums as I welcome the opportunity to tell you that my one year old son will be receiving some curtain tie-backs, a wooden spoon his sister painted at nursery for him (Black. Obvs.) and a series of hugs this year… and he probably won’t care because he’s 12-FUCKING-MONTHS-OLD and mostly interested in playing with his own penis.
- I don’t need to see an hour-by-hour run down of your picture-twatting-perfect Christmas Day when I log onto Facebook drunk at midnight having thrown up down my Christmas-Pudding-Onesie… Because anyone actually enjoying themselves doesn’t prioritise seeing how many ‘likes’ they can rack up for a close up of their roast potatoes…. In our household, by 9am we will have already heimliched The Baby Jesus out of the one-year-old twice and let the pre-schooler eat Quality Street for breakfast so we win Christmas anyway. WE WIN CHRISTMAS. OK. #INYOURFACE
*checks own Facebook profile and frantically begins deleting photos of roast potatoes and babies dressed as reindeers*