#NurseryMummyPolitics: Ways NOT to behave at the nursery gates…

When ‘fitting in’ with the #nurserymummies, there’s a certain etiquette to be adhered to… *coughs* learnt that one the hard way……. so for all you folks starting your little ones at nursery in 2014… here’s a handy set of ‘Don’ts‘ along with some ‘Really Shitting DON’Ts‘ to get you started:



Don’t:

Arrive wearing pyjamas. (Includes onesies. APPARENTLY.)
Leave your buggy uncollapsed… unless you like your tyres slashed and your cup-holder bent the wrong way…
Swear a lot and make casual conversation about botched fanny stitches. Even though you think you’re HILARIOUS. 
Drink gin and smoke* at the entrance.
*includes crack
Arrive with a taser. 
Bring your cat. 
Pick the crispy bits off your leggings in the lobby…
Make gender assumptions. Or, over compensate by referring to any child as ‘it’. 
Shout ‘BUNDDDLLLLLEEE’ from the bottom of the stairs. Whilst clothes-lining an unexpectant Granddad. 
Trip up little ‘Emelia*’ as she prances out in her Gucci one-piece. And then spit/stamp on her.
*names may have been changed for legal reasons…
Lick any children that don’t belong to you. 
Eat the glue. Or smear it over your face.
Start a rumour about how you saw some of the children forming a rebel alliance and escaping in a bin.
Say you’re married to Chuck Norris. (Unless you are.)
Steal* shoes….
*Get caught stealing
Ask if anyone fancies going to the pub for happy hour…?
Brush anyone’s hair. They don’t like that. 
Ride your toddler home.
Ride someone else’s toddler home. (probably worse

#toddleriding
#botchedfannystitches
#gin

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