Going to the Toilet:
Definition BEFORE – A brief moment behind a locked door you never really thought about…
Definition AFTER – ‘Mummy, Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, M-U-M-M-Y???!!!’
‘Yes.’ *optional deep sigh*
‘Can you bend forward so I can watch your poo come out?’
Definition BEFORE – Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Definition AFTER – How ever many cold, discarded, partly-chewed fish-fingers you can eat over the kitchen bin with your Prosecco before the tears start…
Definition BEFORE – sexy time.
Definition AFTER – I just feel like crying. For a few hours. Until lots of snot comes out of my face. And during which time I relinquish all parenting duties while I down this wine and think about how my vagina didn’t used to wobble in strong drafts. (Also known as the ‘new’ sexy time)
Definition BEFORE – I’m just popping out for five minutes. *grabs phone/keys/wallet and walks out of door*
Definition AFTER – Seriously. It’s been an hour and no-one’s even located both their shoes yet?! We almost made it out about 20 minutes ago, but the toddler shat through his own clothing and filled up the footmuff like a fucking piping bag. Now I’ve lost my phone, everyone is sobbing and the 5-year old has decided she doesn’t want to be part of the family anymore. And absolutely will not EVER be wearing socks again. Also. I just found my phone. In my hand.
Definition BEFORE – I’ll just grab a few bits on the way back from work… *does that*
Definition AFTER – It’s taken you most of the morning to get your small people out of the house and into the car seats. (We’ll cover car-seats later. That deserves a WHOLE section to itself. Trust me.) …You’ve made it inside after a particularly aggressive row about trolley seating arrangements during which the 5-year-old sustained unverifiable bite injuries. And now that you’ve made it into the store, the toddler has just ‘released the melons’ as a group of pensioners walked past. You now need to ‘abandon ship’ and leave before people realise those children are with you, go home and order everything online like everyone else does you silly twat.
Definition BEFORE – Shall we go somewhere in the car? Yes. *goes in car*
Definition AFTER – …And on the eighth day, God decreed that he would instil in all toddlers and small children the inability to ‘just get in the car-seat please’, and would instead give them super-strength back-arching abilities that would push parents across the world to the very limits of their patience and upper body strength. Some years later, someone invented iPads and Jaffa Cakes just for this reason…
Definition BEFORE – Ooh lovely. Let’s eat burgers with fancy pickles and just stare at each other while we sample wanky craft beers.
Definition AFTER – ‘You get the iPad out and distract them, I’ll get crisps for them, shots for us, the WiFi code and we’ll do a selfie so I can put it on Facebook and pretend we’ve got our shit together and our kids are really well behaved.’
Definition BEFORE – Wow. It’s gone 11am and I only just woke up… I am so tired. I might go the pub now…
Definition AFTER – Well, I’ve been awake lying here since 5am but it’s ok because I drowned out the sounds of my children acting out a real-life version of Octonauts with recorders whist riding Daddy, by checking Facebook/Instagram/Twitter for the last few hours or so, and thinking really angrily about everyone in my life who’s ever wronged me… So as I’m still horizontal that’s kind of the same as sleeping… right?!
Definition BEFORE – That stain on the carpet is probably chocolate.
Definition AFTER – It’s really not.
Definition BEFORE – Alcohol, fun, more alcohol, bitching about work with alcohol, dancing with alcohol, lie in, breakfast alcohol, fun fun fun fun fun fun, weird-sunday-evening-horrible-work-anticipation-feeling… cured by roast dinner and ALCOHOL.
Definition AFTER – CBeebies. ‘Someone having the idea to go on a ‘nice walk/bike ride…’ (idiot). Alcohol. Crying. Bed*. (*Applies to every day)