Why the f@*k am I doing this again?

No.

Not having another baby before you lot start jumping to conclusions…

It’s worse than that…

The day of reckoning is upon us…

A day that shall go down in WallyHistory as the day WallyMummy officially lost it.
Yes. We’re going on ‘holiday’ tomorrow. By which I mean I’m subjecting myself to seven days of cruel and unusual punishment and taking WallyGranny and some gin along for the ride. Boom. 
Clearly I’m now into self-harm of the mental variety as I decided to book us on a flight at 7.05am… Awesome. Was too tight to reserve seats… Awesomer. And now that’s WallyBubba’s stuff is packed I’ve basically had space for my sunglasses and a bra… So it is going to be THE AWESOMEST.
So before I depart, I thought I’d share some essential holiday prep tips with you incase you decide a week of toddler-torture is up your street as well… *winces*

NEVER let a toddler see, handle, or hold the passports. Else you will never see, handle or hold the passports again. 
Forget that you are actually attending as well. It’s irrelevant. Pack that trunki full of Lola, Peppa and the bastard Night Garden gang and look f@*king happy about it. 
You won’t need anything you pack. But everything you don’t pack will become SH!TTING VITAL once you land. Drink until the sinking feeling disappears. 
They don’t need beach clothes. Seven swim nappies a day and a hat is all that’s required.
If the medical bag you’ve packed couldn’t medicate and sustain an African village for a year you clearly haven’t brought enough.
UV suits are for wimps – if they can’t break out of the hotel room, they can’t burn can they…
They won’t need shoes. Shoes make them faster. You’ll need a fighting chance…
Pack a book – you know, just for a laugh.
Portable DVD player and enough episodes of Charlie and Lola to start your own channel are essential. Especially if you plan on enjoying G&T plane time in the toilet cubicle. Let them knock… you’ll be in there a while… rocking in the silence…
*whispers* They won’t check the sippy cups… use them to hide your gin, dignity and despair…
Remember – Food bribery is not beneath any of us. Keep the Biscotti coming… No-one wants a repeat of naked-turdy-tantrum-tot in the aisles on this Boeing 747 thank you very much. 
The more pathetic you look before take off the more likely the stewardesses are to move the person next to you. Try a few well timed tears of desperation and the occasional wail…
During the flight NO ‘toy’ is off limits. The iPhone, iPad, wallet, keys, credit cards, mummy’s hair/skin… she can have it all. If you plan on presenting a fairly convincing ‘I can control my child’ act in public then previously forbidden technology is the answer. Along with Wotsits. And Biscotti. And gin.
Don’t drug your child. It’s inappropriate and frowned upon. Drug yourself. Far more effective. 

Right. That’s enough chat. I’m off for one last cry in the bathroom before it’s time to pack the car…

#BonWallyVoyage
#ginupthesippycups
#gin

25 Comments

  1. Clearly Bex May 18, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 18, 2013
  2. Jodie Steed May 18, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 18, 2013
  3. Mum Reinvented May 18, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 18, 2013
  4. Nell Heshram May 18, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 18, 2013
  5. Chelsea MsMummy May 18, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 18, 2013
  6. Rachel Roths May 18, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 18, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 19, 2013
  7. SarahMummy May 19, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 19, 2013
  8. Tracy Hudson May 19, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 19, 2013
  9. Aimee Beasor May 25, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 28, 2013
  10. Diplo_Daddy May 28, 2013
    • Wally Mummy May 28, 2013
  11. Catherine Kite May 2, 2014

Leave a Reply