Wedding Conduct for Under-2s

Dear fellow toddler-folk,

Recently Mummy and Daddy took me to something called a ‘wed-ding’. The first bit was rubbish but later in the day they went Β a bit wobbly and stopped paying attention to what I was doing, which was weird… but AWESOME.

Apparently these wedding-things happen quite a lot when it’s sunny, so if you happen to be taken to one, here’s my top ten tips for making the most of the proceedings:

 

  1. Churches are very quiet. Spice things up with a maraca solo. And a fart. (follow through if possible.)
  2. Sleep is for the weak. Beat yourself daily in preparation. Supplement with Haribo and chocolate Heinz Biscotti.
  3. Why walk anywhere when you can run, somersault and fly… The adults actually prefer this.
  4. Invent a new war cry for the occasion. Practice it in whenever everything goes really quiet. You’ll be rewarded with chocolate. And an iPhone. I guarantee it.
  5. NEVER rest while there’s dancing to be done.
  6. It’s not Pick and Mix, it’s SMASH AND GRAB. It’s every man for themselves. Come with tactics. And weapons.
  7. The best thing to stick in the chocolate fountain is your own face. Fact. F@*k the strawberries. If possible also wear white. Mummy loves that.
  8. If you see a water feature, lake or open window/door, wait until Mummy and Daddy have started to ‘relax’ and hurl yourself towards it at speed. Keeps the bastards sober.
  9. Don’t let them put you in the buggy. It’s a trick. Bite through sections of footmuff until you’re removed.
  10. Make friends with as many random children and babies as possible. Alone they can take you but together you are strong…

Much love,

WallyBubba xxx

 

Wot So Funee?

42 Comments

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