No matter how irritatingly close to their mouth the risotto is almost getting, DO NOT TOUCH THEIR SPOON. EVER. It will make them angry. And when they’re angry, cutlery becomes painful and stabby.
Ensure your dinner and their dinner are identical (yes, they will inspect thoroughly) else you will most likely be subjected to a swipe/stand-up/scream combo.
Do not underestimate a toddler’s swipe trajectory. WallyBubba can take out the bookcase, the lamp, at least one cat and WallyDaddy with one well-timed swoop.
The best way to get them into the highchair is to bait them with Haribo and Organix cheese puffs. Once they’re in. Pull out the big guns (AKA broccoli) and maintain a sensible distance. (AKA leave while your husband deals with it)
If you value your soft furnishings, do not give a toddler blueberries.
You were mistaken – bananas can be eaten whole. Sideways. Un-peeled. Idiot.
NEVER let them catch sight of the yoghurt during the main course. Once they’ve seen the yoghurt, you’re f*@ked.
If you are unfortunate to be caught in a yoghurt-related-meltdown you will most likely be given one of ‘those’ looks. The ones that say… ‘petit filous up my macaroni mother else I’ll have you stoned by the Wottingers’… It’s not a risk worth taking. Just give them the yoghurt and back away…
You’ve got a fork. They’ve got a fork. They only want to eat with your fork. Until you give it to them. Then they want to use their sleeve.
If they won’t eat it. Cover it in honey. And do a shot. Works every time…
Yes, they loved carrot sticks and humous yesterday, but today is Thursday and on Thursday humous gets flung at the carpets while carrot gets inserted with considerable force into nostrils. Happy F*@king Thursday.
Don’t take your eyes off them for a second. They are just waiting to use that rice pudding as a face mask.
DO NOT TOUCH THEIR SPOON. EVER. (I know I’ve already said this, but I’ve stuck it in again for gravitas)
The amount of time, energy and love you put into a meal is directly proportionate to how much they will throw at the floor.
Ignore food throwing. Simply pretend it’s not happening, crack open a tasty Merlot, take it to the bathroom, and swig straight from the bottle whilst crying. You’ll soon stop noticing…
When it all gets too much, let the little bastards forage for rice cakes under the coffee table and have gin for dinner after they’ve gone to bed. Sorted.
And lastly. Lasagne must always be eaten naked.