Is it…? Is it really fun in the sun….?
Is the sunshine really funshine when you have children? Or is it just another minefield of exhausting, guilt-addled bollocks designed to break you and make you want to staple up your vagina forever.
Consider this childless people: when u see the sun is shining you instantly think friends, BBQ, beer garden, pimms, tiny clothes, laughing, smiling, having fun… When I see sunshine I think arseballs.
Not because I don’t like the sun, I love it, but in order to buy myself just 30 minutes of ray-time I need to begin preparation 12 hours in advance and be just the right level of drunk to get through it but not slow myself down. Let me lay it out for you so you can fully understand just what a ‘day in the sun’ with a baby consists of:
7am Baby wakes up.
7-7.15 Pretend to be asleep in hope husband wakes up to deal with first feed and the dawn nappy of doom.
7.20 Get out of bed and accidentally on-purpose punch snoring husband in face for not waking up and sigh as loudly as possible entire way to nursery. (For impact)
7.25 Change nappy of doom and feed baby.
7.45 Pick out a selection of pretty summer dresses whilst discussing the choices with the baby. Make final choice based on which one she seems to grin at most.
7.50 Slather baby in at least half a bottle of factor 4000 baby sun lotion. You’ll know when you have enough on because the only visible part of your baby should be the eyes, hair and nappy.
7.50-8.50 Allow one hour for sun lotion to soak in.
8.50 Dress baby.
9am Re-dress baby following border breach of mid-morning nappy of doom.
9.30 Clean up four metre radius of highchair and remove chunks from hair.
10am Re-dress baby following incident involving armpit and mango.
10.10 Pass baby to husband for one hour in order to shower, change and attempt some mascara.
11.10 Shout at husband for watching Thundercats and not noticing baby has thrown up all over herself whilst in jumperoo.
11.20 Clean jumperoo.
11.30 Bath and re-apply sun tan lotion.
12-1pm Re-allow re- application of sun tan lotion to soak in whilst feeding baby lunch in bumbo. Naked. (baby not me)
1pm Clean up and re-dress.
1-1.30pm Prepare husband and self a nutritious lunch of wotsits and toast while baby entertains herself in clean jumperoo.
1.30-1.45 Allow husband only 15 minutes to shower, change and get ready. Punishment for having a lie-in. Bastard.
1.45-2.15 Prep, pack and re-pack change bag at least seven times. Argue with husband about contents and whether or not to bring inflatable paddling pool.
2.15-2.30 Make husband blow up paddling pool to point of exhaustion then decide not to take it.
2.30-2.45 Last minute change of clothes after noticing trail of sick down right leg and across left shoulder blade. Finally get baby in buggy and leave house.
2.45-2.50 Realise baby’s nappy is the size of a small planet and quickly change on ground outside front door whilst husband tuts and keeps an eye out for curtain twitching neighbours.
3pm Arrive at pub with baby asleep and order two LARGE gins. Down whilst eyeballing attractive, scantily-clad 20-somethings without children who are clearly having too much fun… just in time for baby to wake up and scream at your face.
3.30pm Feed, change, feed again, rock, bounce, hold, swing upside-down, stand up, sit down, lie down, change again, put on cardigan, take off cardigan, shout at husband for ever inpregnanting you and eventually decide to give up and go home.
4pm Order two LARGER gins TO GO. Go home. Punch Bumbo. Die.