Wally Mummy Archive

How to Know You’re a Parent in the Twenty-Teens…

If you’re the parent to a toddler or pre-schooler right now, then you’ll need this. Here’s how to be a Mummy to babies born in the twenty-teens. You’re welcome. First things first you’ll need some Uggs. To wear with your leggings. And some converse and jeggings for ‘special occasions’. Your main outgoing besides wine and your mortgage is re-buying Sophie the Giraffe. Seriously… where do …

Things You Should Know About Owning a 4-Year-Old

First of all. Despite the horrific rumours and some of the shit Google tells you… Four is actually on the whole easier than three. They never shut up and they can run really bloody fast, but there’s Paw Patrol for that. In fact there’s Paw Patrol for pretty much everything now. P-p-p pa-pa please-continue-entertaining-my child-so-I-don’t-need-to-do-any-actual-real-parenting patrol… They are actually quite helpful at passing you stuff, fetching the …

11 Things Every Mummy Has Done in the First Year of Having a Baby…

Discovered gin. Discovered that Topshop is no longer for you… as their clothes aren’t made for women who’s hips (and vaginas) have been slightly *cough* widened by the human-being that’s just fallen out of them… Leggings are the answer. Crop-tops are not. Developed a slightly unhealthy crush on at least one CBeebies presenter. Had a four-day-long WhatsApp conversation purely about infant faeces. And how much …

Things they don’t tell you at NCT

There are things they don’t tell you at NCT, Like how you’re now committed to a life of shit, puke and wee. You think that things will get easier, As your babe becomes a tot… But as someone who’s just found a shit under the sofa, I can can promise you they DO NOT. Daytimes are spent crawling around soft play, In crotch-worn leggings without any …

Tips for the First Year… How to Become the Daddy to the New Mummy in Your Life (including how not to talk about the vagina)

As you may or may not be aware, my newborn baby which only just fell-out-me-fanjo yesterday, honestly, has somehow just turned one. *sobs, does a shot of gin and pulls self back together* And it’s got me thinking… that sometimes Dads get a bit left out of the whole ‘we’ve just had a baby’ thing… And I wonder if over the past 12 months I ever …

And Then There Were None…

  6th January. The day after the Christmas Trees, the tinsel and Baby Jesus himself get stuck back in the loft and CHRISTMAS IS OFFICIALLY DEAD. In our house it’s also known as ‘What the fuck am I gonna do with my life this year’ day. (Catchy. I know.) This year is a big one for me. Today is not just about doing the lottery, fantasy house-shopping on …

Realistic Resolutions for Knackered Mums & Dads

  Christmas is dead. And now, the depression of January with its lack of Quality Street breakfasts and ‘dryness’ of alcohol looms. Stupid sober bastard boring sober January. So. For all the owners of tiny folk out there – here’s my list of realistic New Year Resolutions for you all to enjoy with your last glass of morning chardonnay. (Until February that is. Obvs.) Start …

How Are You One?

How are you one? How can a whole year be done? How can I be a mummy to a ‘toddler’? This time last year, I was facing my worst fear; Letting a human force it way out of my wobbler… I’ve learnt so much, Sometimes it’s been f@*king tough, But awesome in so many ways… I’ve kept you alive, Somehow we’ve both survived, Despite having …

How to be a Parent Without Being a Dick. Online. At Christmas.

Just a few days to go until the big event folks… Which means there’s still plenty of time for many entirely normal parents to go a little bit mental in the name of Christmas… They may well be completely ordinary, adult, we-own-a-hyundai-and-have-cats-and-a-consevatory kinda people for the other 11 months of the year, but December holds mystical and magical powers which can turn even the most ordinary of child-owning folks into dicks. December …

Hat Avoidance and Other Key Skills for Babies and Toddlers this Winter.

Dear fellow babies, toddlers and other members of the anti-hat movement, Winter is coming…. (well, actually it’s here.) And with it… *shudders* … mittens. Along with ridiculous headwear provided by your parents with the sole aim of ridiculing you on social media, while somewhere in the future your 18-year-old self dies a little and ponders if this was the moment you became destined to die alone surrounded by cats, …