Flashing some belly…?
Exposing some baby-harnessing exterior uterus flesh…?
I’m not suggesting skimpy swimwear as the attire of choice for all weathers, supermarket trips and the occasional wedding/christening, but whilst on the beach… by the pool… chilling with a alcohol-free ceveza *lets out a small alcohol-free wail* on a sun lounger… what is the big deal?
For the first time since I had stomach muscles (And a functioning pelvic floor. And a sensibly proportioned labia. Oh the memories…) I can don swimwear without having to suck in the stretch-marked bi-product of my first womb invader. I can position myself on a sun-bed without having to first work out the exact trajectory where my rolls of tummy flab will be least offensive and my boobs are at an adequate hoisted level so as not to put my entire torso in shade. Frankly, it’s liberating.
I’d be sunbathing bastard-well topless except that a courtesy of a Spanish mosquito my right breast now has what looks like an additional nipple, and I’m fairly sure no-one can handle the sight of my flappy mozzy-bitten preggo-bangers down at the beach bar and enjoy their calamari without wincing. So I’ll save them that experience… And believe me when I say anything other than vertical means enough side boob for everybody. Ample armpit breasts for everyone. EVERY. ONE.
Also. Not in anyway related to this post but if I see one more f@*king loomband minion on Instagram I will be forced to stab out my own eyes. Just so you all know.