The soft-play code of conduct

 

  1. Leave your dignity at the door. This is war.
  2. Wear sensible clothing. i.e. leggings and a sports-top… oh hang on… that’s what you wear every day. Ok. Wear that.
  3. And ‘black-up’.
  4. Remember. Territory is everything.
  5. Get organised. Upon arrival scan the area for the ideal vantage point and discuss tactics with your fellow mums via a closed Whats App group.
  6. Assign a group of three mums to cover the slide area and send two to the upper levels as look-outs, while you man the ball-pit exit and simultaneously ‘bagsy’ two highchairs. #skillz
  7. Move in packs and take out the fellow under fives first. They’re smaller, weaker and their spirits can be broken with the mere promise of cake.
  8. Sleep and eat* in shifts so as not to relinquish territory.
  9. *However, don’t open a packet of baby-snacks in plain sight of an unruly gang of under fives. You will be violently and quite possibly fatally assaulted. Rice-cake-rage is no joke. 
  10. Also – never leave a sippy cup* unattended. I’ve seen mums lose fingers… and eyes… and teeth…
  11. *unless the sippy cup is full of gin and/or wine. That should slow the little bastards down. Some collateral damage is to be expected. 
  12. The slide area is easy to claim; simply place your child at the top and remove their nappy. No-one else will be using the ‘skid-ramp’ today.
  13. Keep the attendant on their toes by occasionally spoon-feeding your child yoghurt or jam in the ball-pit.
  14. To clear the tunnel area of excess children, teach your baby to fart in confined spaces.
  15. Wear protective headgear at all times. No direct hits to the face.
  16. If necessary, use your own child as a human shield. Desperate times call for desperate measures ladies.
  17. If a weaker member of the team falls behind… leave them. All’s fair in love, war and soft-play.
  18. Only enter the ball-pit if you are confident you can make it out without exposing a nipple and/or arse cheek.
  19. It’s not possible to look glamorous whilst using the slide with your toddler. Bare skin will result in friction burns.
  20. In extreme conditions, send a toddler assault team into the ball-pit and shout ‘floater’. If this move is administered properly, you can clear the entire place in seconds.
  21. Always have a safe word.
  22. And gin. ALWAYS have gin.

 

#softplaywarfare
#thesafewordisgin
#gin

 

41 Comments

  1. Sonya Cisco January 29, 2013
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    • Wally Mummy January 29, 2013
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  10. Leyla Brooke January 29, 2013
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  11. Mum in a Hurry January 29, 2013
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  13. Bibsey Mama January 30, 2013
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  18. Natasha Peter January 30, 2013
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  20. Emma Day February 6, 2013
    • Wally Mummy February 6, 2013
  21. Californian Mum in London October 13, 2014

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