The Toddler CV

Personal Statement:

Small, angry, usually snotty/hungry and generally clothed toddler seeks line of work involving cake and slides. Payment preferably in ice-cream, and dancing and colouring to be included. NO HAIRBANDS OR SOCKS.

Key Skills:

Farting on demand and then laughing so hard more farts come out. AKA ‘The Fart Loop’.
Only eating beige or chocolate.
Stealth poo-ing. 
Building Mega Block towers up to five blocks tall… then knocking the shit out of them with my face.
Eating beans on toast without use of my hands. (MPeg available upon request)
Jumping. On ANY surface. 
Nappy removal in under 3 seconds. Even whilst wearing a Onesie. 
Naked hoovering.


Reached the rank of ‘Turd Ninja’ before the age of 12 months after learning how to escape not only my nappy, but also my Grobag during a poo party for one in my cot.
Unofficially named Best Hider in a Hide & Seek Game in the wider Hampshire area.
Fluent in cat.
Once ate a tub of Sudocrem.
Proficient in Daddy Manipulation since the age of 3 weeks.
Colouring, stickering and using an iPad at a 3 year old level.
Invented my own version of counting to Ten. (includes farm noises and some mildly offensive language)
Once interviewed for the role of Tombliboo Eee.

Work History:

Upsy Daisy’s BFF: July 2012 – December 2012
Lola (from Charlie and Lola) Stunt Double: Jan 2013 – March 2013
Cat Rider: Ongoing.
Elf/Pumpkin/Easter Chick: Seasonal Work.
Ballerina: since last Tuesday. 


Mummy (call before midday… the gin won’t have taken effect at this point) or Iggle Piggle. We’re tight.

Peace out.
WallyBubba xx

Wot So Funee?


  1. Tas D October 28, 2013
    • Wally Mummy October 28, 2013
  2. Yaz O October 28, 2013
  3. Gemma Murphy October 28, 2013
  4. Charly Dove October 28, 2013
    • Wally Mummy October 28, 2013
  5. SarahMummy October 29, 2013
    • Wally Mummy October 29, 2013
  6. Charlotte Brown October 30, 2013
    • Wally Mummy October 30, 2013
  7. Makemeanearthmother October 30, 2013
    • Wally Mummy October 30, 2013
  8. Actually Mummy... October 31, 2013
    • Wally Mummy October 31, 2013
  9. Tom @Ideas4Dads January 26, 2014
    • Wally Mummy January 26, 2014

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