As you may or may not be aware, my newborn baby which only just fell-out-me-fanjo yesterday, honestly, has somehow just turned one.
*sobs, does a shot of gin and pulls self back together*
And it’s got me thinking… that sometimes Dads get a bit left out of the whole ‘we’ve just had a baby’ thing… And I wonder if over the past 12 months I ever asked my husband how he was doing? How becoming a dad had affected him? Or if anyone else did? And then obviously I remember that a human-being I grew in my womb head-butted their way out of my vagina after making me obese for 9-months and I kinda think fuck you…
Parenthood is a massive shock to the system all round. For both parents. Regardless of which one gave birth. (See paragraph above if you’re not sure…) So, here’s one for you to share with your baby-daddies out there… my tips for surviving the first year with the woman in your life as a new mummy… as it is slightly possible that I (and many others before and after me) may have been ever-such-a-little-bit touchy and/or entirely unreasonable in places maybe, a bit, sort-of during my first year with a baby…
- You may openly praise your wife and her vagina. BUT. You don’t get to touch the vagina, you don’t get to look at the vagina, you don’t get to judge the vagina, in fact you don’t even get to say the word vagina now. For you the vagina is simply a series of points and/or gestures in silence with an eyebrow raise at the end. So you should get used to that.
- See above. Apply to breasts.
- Expect to have at least one row a day about ‘how’ you are sitting on the sofa. Consider your location – are you too far away? Ignoring her? Ruining your marriage? Or whatever? Or are you too close – smothering her. Accidentally trapping a wayward section of labia beneath your left arse-cheek…? You arsehole.
- You should be aware of the things that go into the change bag, but you should NEVER attempt to tidy, re-order or replace things without prior agreement and full audit.
- If you do ‘alter’ anything in the change bag expect death. DEATH AND/OR PENIS-BODILY-HARM.
- In fact, no matter what it is to do with the baby – feeding, holding, bathing, breathing, ANYTHING… you should probably check with her first. (Else it’s the death/penis-bodily-harm thing again)
- When you arrive home from work each evening, you should know this is your time to enjoy your baby whilst your wife is mostly in the bath. All night. Crying. Into several Snickers bars. And some gin.
- Unless she’s already laughing. She’s not ready to laugh about it. (You should probably keep a list.)
- Not all conversations have words now. Some simply have huffs, sighs, disappointed pointing and angry breathing which mainly says why the fuck you haven’t asked these people to leave yet…
- If you call the baby a toddler again before they’ve actually turned one, SHE WILL CUT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
- Stop fucking asking when you can get your child’s hair cut.
- If in doubt, the answer is nearly always wine, pyjamas, chocolate hobnobs and a four-pack of Gregg’s sausage rolls.