WallyMummy's Guide to Achieving Sleep with a Pre-schooler

Avoid caffeine after 5pm. Do shots instead.
Earplugs. 24 hours a day. What you don’t hear didn’t happen. Fact.
Do some exercise. With all the spare f@*king time you’ve got.
Don’t eat a giant cake before bed. Save that for the morning. When it’s less socially acceptable to drink wine.
Be ready for bed at any point by never brushing your hair, and wearing clothes that could be considered ‘pyjamas’ yet are just about socially acceptable in public spaces. Pass out wherever and whenever ready. 
Have the toddler’s room as far away from yours as possible. The shed or outside is fine. Children should be at one with nature. 
When your husband snores, it’s perfectly acceptable to punch him in the face until he sleeps in the spare room and /or promises to never impregnate you again.
Ensure the toddler sleeps for as long as possible by taking them for daily physical activity somewhere such as the playground. Which they’ll insist you carry them to whilst simultaneously pushing their buggy and walking a wooden cat, and then refuse to go on anything other than the swings for an hour, only agreeing to leave when you have no sensation left in your arms.
Get an early night. So you can lie in bed thinking of all the shit you haven’t done this day… week… month… lifetime… then begin to fall asleep just as the toddler wakes up and decides she needs a hug/kiss/story/drink/ice-cream/soul of a virgin… (delete as appropriate) 
And finally, a small glass of wine in the evening will help get you sleepy… but finishing the bottle with a few gin chasers will make your face go numb and help you cry yourself into a coma. #win



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