- They will only fall asleep when it’s least convenient. On you. Fully aware that simply by ‘looking cute’ you will be unable to move for the next three hours.
- Regardless of when you last fed them, 90% of their day is about continually asking for food. Under the pretence of love and affection… Once fed, they’ll discard you like an empty worthless husk and laugh at you as you attempt to ease the pain and sorrow with wine…. (or something)
- Oh. You’re going to the loo? Don’t worry. I’ll come with you. Keep you company. And sit on your lap. Maybe just stare at you the entire time. Just looking… this isn’t putting you off is it…?! Did I mention how much I love you….?! By the way when you’re done, I’m hungry.
- Oooh laptop. Let me help you by pressing random keys. You love that.
- Thanks for feeding me. Now excuse me while I go regurgitate it in a pile over here on the carpet and then walk away like nothing’s happened.
- No. It’s cool. I know I’ve got my own bed. But sharing yours is so much more fun. Don’t you think….?
- …Also if you had any ridiculous ideas about actually sleeping I’ll be here waiting for you to open your eyes which I’ll take as a sign you’re ready to play with me again.
- Yeah. The thing is… I know I ate that EXACT MEAL yesterday and really enjoyed it but now that you’ve prepared me the same thing again, I’m just not feeling it. To be honest I hate it. And I hate you.
- Hey. You know a few minutes ago when I just threw up…?! Well. It shouldn’t take a genius to work out in I’m now starving. NOW FEED ME AGAIN YOU IGNORANT WHORE.
- No. It’s MY water*. (*water/food/seat/life/soul)
- Thanks for remortgaging the house so you could afford to buy me all this stuff to entertain me… I’m gonna ignore it all and go play with a box and that random piece of string that’s coming out of the carpet by the door, following which I’ll be heading for an epic shit which you’ll need to deal with ok.
- I just farted. It’s bad. You’ll be able to taste it soon…
- And if you even consider going away for a night without me again I am going to seriously f@*k up what’s left of your nice furniture. Just so you’re aware… And don’t think I didn’t spot you earlier browsing Secret Escapes on your phone whilst eating chocolate from the shame cupboard whilst pretending to be getting dinner ready… I’m watching you…