- You need to be able to run faster. (Much faster.)
- Pre-selecting your own shoes is always a mistake. You’ll learn that… You’ll learn… *twitches a bit and starts stroking some Uggs*
- Snack bribery and the iPhone are now your only parenting methods… You’re both happy and comfortable with this.
- You should NEVER have spent that much on a sofa. Your life is all about ‘throws’ now… Throws and lint rollers and using re-stuffed baby-wipes to scrub the snot and porridge trails out of the one bloody corner you left exposed while you cry and try to remember what it was like to have nice things and plump up cushions.
- No matter how you cut the toast… THE TOAST WILL ALWAYS BE CUT WRONG. THESE TRIANGLES ARE NOT OBTUSE, THEY’RE EQUILATERAL YOU RECKLESS WHORE. NOW REMOVE IT FROM MY SIGHT AND CREATE ME SOME MOTHER-FUCKING PARALLELOGRAMS FROM A BANANA LIKE I ASKED.
- Unless it’s from the ‘blue’ bowl, with the ‘red’ cup, served with the ‘orange’ fork, without a speck of veg identifiable, smothered in cheese, sprinkled with fairy dust, pulled out of the arses of Leprachauns, and brought in strapped to the back of Unicorns… they won’t be eating it.
- Unless it’s on your plate, in which case they’ll scoff the lot. Obviously.
- You were wrong… You are NEVER allowed to enter a lift and press the buttons yourself. You dick.
- Your toddler no longer wishes to be transported around via the buggy. No. That would be RIDICULOUS. The buggy is something you should struggle to push around one-handed, while they transport themselves around next to you via the medium of dance, intermittent hand-refusal and periods of whinging whilst straddling your hip and using your hair as reigns.
- ‘Cuddles’ now involve some kind of grievous bodily harm, possibly some hair-loss, and normally include an unexpectedly forceful punch to the tit and/or vagina.
- Your life is dubiously stained leggings, communal poo-trips and sneaking bits of Toblerone from behind the door of your kitchen-cupboard-of-shame… and if this year has taught you anything it is that you have exceptionally strong ‘scarf-game’ at toddler-group and shitting and showering alone (if at all…) along with mascara are totally overrated anyway… right…?*sobs slightly*