You know what.
I’m just not one of those mums.
You know what I mean… The ones who’ve actually got it together. That arrive places ‘on time’. With all the stuff they need. With lipgloss on. Without a hangover… It’s almost mystifying…
I’m more of a… I don’t know what that stain on my left shoulder is, yes – this is a nursing top even though I stopped breastfeeding in 2014, YES I’VE FORGOTTEN TO BRING HIS SHOES AND THE RAIN COVER AGAIN and no I haven’t looked in the mirror yet this week… kind of mum.
I wish I could be one of those parents with tips and tricks for the future generations but the truth is I’m just not made that way… So here for all every mummy like me is a list of parenting hacks… Just a Normal Mummy style…
- Stop your children dropping food everywhere and destroying their toys/your home by organising for them to play at SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE.
- Want to stop cooking enough spaghetti to feed twelve grown adults every time you make Spag-Bol for your toddler? Order a pizza.
- If you’re worried your little one hasn’t had a poo for a while, just ensure you’re running about 20 minutes late and attempt to leave the house… POO-POCALYPSE GUARANTEED.
- Why bother filling the sippy cup up when you can save you and your toddler a job, by tipping it directly into their lap whilst they sit in the buggy.
- Never buy nice things. They’re not for you now. Same applies to underwired bras.
- If you want them to eat their dinner happily without complaint…?! Give them your fork. Put it on your plate. Twirl it round your head. Fling it over a @%*&ing rainbow. Have some wine. And don’t bother.
- Try making bath time easier by simply going out while it’s raining with them in only their nappy… They won’t allow the rain cover to come within 2ft of them anyway so TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE PEOPLE. TWO ANGRY SOGGY-BUT-CLEAN BIRDS.
- Getting their shoes on before you pop a vein in your forehead and resort to using your ‘very angry mummy-voice’? It’ll never happen people… Stay indoors.
- Hat? *Laughs hysterically and begins rocking slowly whist singing a song about a scarecrow and trying to remember what it was like to have a career path***
- Want to re-ignite interest in their toys… Mix things up with a box of tampons, the Sky remote or your iPhone. Mainly your iPhone. And maybe some gentle crying. (Yours.)
- And finally, if you need your small person to sleep soundly through the night and wake up refreshed and happy after a good night’s sleep..? Hey – just send them to Granny’s for the night where they apparently eat everything, sleep until 7am and poo unicorns whilst jumping over a magical well-behaved smug-faced rainbow.
If you happen to have some actually ‘helpful’ parenting hacks, pop over to the Arla Big Milk Facebook page and share the love 🙂 here’s some videos with some clever stuff too. (p.s. this is a sponsored post)