- Firstly. You don’t own them, you have just made a really shitty investment that now answers you back and only eats pizza.
- Secondly. They know when you’ve put a supermarket own brand pizza in a Domino’s box… they know… and you will suffer…
- Threenagers don’t tantrum. Oh no. It’s far worse now… Every. Bastard. Thing. Is a serious negotiation… ‘I’m too scared to go to the park… I’m too small to walk any more… I’m too big to eat… my tummy hurts so I need to wear your shoes today.’ Urgh. #killme
- No matter how long they’ve been potty-trained, one wrong move and you will find a shit wrapped around a Barbie when you go through the toy box.
- But then there’s nothing that can’t be solved with a packet of Haribo and a pair of sparkly party shoes. For ten minutes or so. Then you’re really f@*ked.
- Yes. They can go to nursery every day this week dressed as Elsa. And they forgive you for being too stupid to initially realise this.
- You are now officially the ‘sharing police’. Count in one day how many times you tell your 3yr old it’s ‘nice to share’… If you put a quid in glass each time you will be able to buy Russia by September.
- No laughing at undesignated times.
- And absolutely NO SINGING OVER THE LET IT GO BIT IN FROZEN UNLESS YOU WANT TO LOSE HAIR, SKIN AND DIGNITY.
- They can use an iPhone better than you can.
- And there can never be too many half-face selfies. Ever.
- Planning on eating out…?! Don’t. It’s a trap… The iPad doesn’t work anymore… you better set aside some time to mourn this period of your life. You won’t be going to cafes/restaurants/out of your living room for playdates anymore.
- You can’t lie. They have now somehow developed photographic memories. So if you promised a biscuit to get them out of the playground, you better be Hobnobbed-up-to-the-shitting-max at home or you’ve definitely got a toy-box-turd coming your way…
- They know injuries mean attention. So you better hide all the knives.
- They’re really not ‘babies’ anymore… even though they’ll always be your baby… Just a ‘baby’ that can single handedly knock out an Alsatian and FaceTime themselves doing it at the same time.