Putting a toddler to bed is the ‘hour’ (if you’re shitting lucky) that strikes fear into the hearts of parents across the land…
Last night was one of many particularly traumatic bedtime experiences in the WallyHousehold… I was nearly broken and WallyDaddy is still in recovery. Here is a breakdown of the ‘real’ #toddlerbedtime
7pm. OFFICIAL TODDLER BEDTIME. Toddler told to go to bed.
7.05. Toddler dragged upstairs under WallyDaddy’s arm taking out sections of wall with her teeth and/or toenails.
7.10. Toddler placed in bath kicking and screaming, and insisting the shampoo is ‘yuck’ and smells like a bin. Mummy loses some skin. Daddy cries.
7.13. Toddler shits in the bath.
7.15. Toddler rejects first five sets of pyjamas and instead opts for a Buzz Lightyear costume and crown. Mummy decides she doesn’t give a f@*k anymore and uses this moment of temporary happiness to brush toddler’s hair and teeth.
7.20 WallyDaddy takes a Tangle Teaser to the face.
7.25. Toddler picks Cinderella as bedtime story for the 427th night in a row… Mummy reads own ‘interpretive version’… *coughs*, kisses toddler goodnight and leaves room.
7.31. (The following will occur in minute-intervals)
Toddler needs a wee.
Toddler needs a nappy.
TODDLER HATES NAPPIES.
Toddler needs Daddy to take her for a wee.
Toddler needs a hug.
Toddler needs a drink.
Toddler hates drinks.
Toddler hates Mummy’s face.
Toddler noticed Cinderella had an alternative ending… (Shit).
Toddler can’t find Baby Bunny.
Mummy points out Baby Bunny is next to toddler…
Toddler hates Baby Bunny.
Toddler needs a kiss.
Toddler’s sock has slightly twisted.
Toddler’s pillow has moved.
Toddler’s blanket isn’t straight.
Toddler needs toast.
WHERE THE F@*K IS BABY BUNNY.
Toddler needs another wee.
Toddler doesn’t like her pants.
Toddler hates Buzz Lightyear.
Toddler has just remembered what Daddy did to her elbow.
Toddler needs a hug.
Toddler needs more kisses.
Toddler needs Granny.
Toddler is a general all-round twat.
Toddler has just worked out the formula for Cold Fusion and could really do with jotting it down in her Fairy Princess colouring pad.
Toddler hates her bedroom.
Toddler wants a Pony.
A few minutes past the hour of desperation/8pm-AKA-wine-time…
Mummy and Daddy decide toddler can f@*king well cry it out. Naked. Pissing freely. With Baby Bunny’s head stuck up Piglet’s arse for all they care.
Approx three minutes later…
Toddler passes out.
The End. Goodnight. F@*k Off.