Shit. The Toddler's Got a Tan…

Shit. The toddler’s got a tan.
Believe me, this was not my plan…
No matter how much I rub and squirt,
The lotion’s just repelled by her perma-dirt.

I put on a t-shirt, she rips it off,
Along with her nappy right down to her crocs.
She’s like a naked turdy missile seeking the sun,
The only thing that’s white is her little toddler bum.

Hats are a universal toddler conspiracy,
Sent by the Parenting Gods, just to to take the piss out of me.
I’ve tried caps, velcro straps, even a bastard panama…
She only keeps one on when she’s posing for a shitting camera.

I douse her in ’50’, I don’t miss a spot,
But I’ve still ended up with a teak-coloured tot.
I should be upset, but all I can do is whine…
Now her bloody tan lines are better than mine!

So shit. The toddlers got a tan.
I admit I’m the world’s worst SPF-wingman.
‘I am the twatty failure of an angry lotion monitor’,
And I’d literally tear out a kidney for a large gin and tonica.


p.s. Crazily enough, my little blog has been nominated for two awards! If you’ve got a few seconds to vote for Just a Normal Mummy I’d be so grateful! 

You can vote for me in’Best Family Blog’ (category 13) here:

….and… ‘Best Preschool Blog’ (3rd down) here:

Thank you! xx


  1. London Mum July 18, 2014
  2. me and the tiny 3 July 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 1, 2014
  3. Mylifemylove July 18, 2014
  4. Sian PottyMouthedMummy July 18, 2014
  5. July 18, 2014
  6. Jai @ Kiddy Reviews July 18, 2014
  7. Tas D July 18, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 1, 2014
  8. Paul Wandason July 18, 2014
  9. Hurrah for gin July 19, 2014
  10. Actually Mummy... July 19, 2014
  11. Tom IdeasforDads July 19, 2014
  12. mummyofboygirltwins July 21, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 1, 2014
  13. Kyla August 4, 2014
  14. Jo Nicholson August 4, 2014
    • Wally Mummy August 5, 2014
  15. Roxy July 17, 2015

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