Believe me, this was not my plan…
No matter how much I rub and squirt,
The lotion’s just repelled by her perma-dirt.
I put on a t-shirt, she rips it off,
Along with her nappy right down to her crocs.
She’s like a naked turdy missile seeking the sun,
The only thing that’s white is her little toddler bum.
Hats are a universal toddler conspiracy,
Sent by the Parenting Gods, just to to take the piss out of me.
I’ve tried caps, velcro straps, even a bastard panama…
She only keeps one on when she’s posing for a shitting camera.
I douse her in ’50’, I don’t miss a spot,
But I’ve still ended up with a teak-coloured tot.
I should be upset, but all I can do is whine…
Now her bloody tan lines are better than mine!
So shit. The toddlers got a tan.
I admit I’m the world’s worst SPF-wingman.
‘I am the twatty failure of an angry lotion monitor’,
And I’d literally tear out a kidney for a large gin and tonica.
p.s. Crazily enough, my little blog has been nominated for two awards! If you’ve got a few seconds to vote for Just a Normal Mummy I’d be so grateful!
You can vote for me in’Best Family Blog’ (category 13) here:
….and… ‘Best Preschool Blog’ (3rd down) here:
Thank you! xx