A strange thing has been happening to my garden the past two years… Something very odd. And bright. And loud. And shitty. And annoying.
Yes. It appears my garden has been ‘toddlered‘. In fact my entire summer has been bastard-well toddlered.
And yes. This is a term. Just as being ‘ginned’ is also a term. (Don’t look at me like that.)
Here’s how to tell:
Your elegant adult bistro table has been given a toddler makeover. No longer is it for supping prosecco in the evening sun… NO. Now it’s been bejazzled with playdoh, had a gentle soil-based re-spray and one of the neighbourhood cats has taken a shit in the centre of it.
Remember when used to have decorative stones… PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… *pauses for a moment to cry and re-compose* PAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Any exposed patch of soil is fair game for a snack… Your lovingly-prepared homemade dinners – F@*K NO. This pile of plant debris and worm excrement – HELL YES. Think about that…
Every night an army of ninja eagles will take it in turns to fire enormous curly turds at the slide you just cleaned. Luckily baby wipes are remarkably effective at removing even the curliest shit… Toddler or otherwise.
The amount of time you spend setting up your own private aqua park is directly relevant to how long they spend playing in it. A good hour of modern water-based engineering will probably buy you five minutes before they decide they’d rather eat some crisps and watch Peppa-the-arsehole-Pig.
Play-sand has been sent down from Satan himself to break the weaker parents amongst us. Remember. This is why summer is such a good time for outdoor alcohol.
Also – you’ll find play-sand underneath your boobs until September. And you’ll be changing toddler nappies of the self exfoliating kind until then too…
They will wait until the moment you have got comfortable and commence operation PPF. (Paddling Pool Floater) if you’re not quick enough one of the cats will fish it out and begin playing keepy-uppy with it on the white decorative stones…
Your paddling pool is year round. It says on the box. Yes. It does. IT DOES. *downs gin*
Long shorts are the way to go now. Even in the privacy of your own garden, the world will not thank you for wearing shorts that ride up inside your actual vagina.
Tanning oil plus toddlers does not work. Your life is P20 now. And shoulder-only tans. Live with it.
The best game will always be the one that involves the most BBQ ash. Mixed with water. And sand. And your dignity. And gin.