Let’s get one thing clear.
Splash Pools are not a fizzy, fuzzy, fun-filled, family affair… they are WAR. It’s territory, telemetry and team-work. And you owe it to yourself to read up on the basics before you enter into battle.
Firstly. Position is everything. Think central. Yet covering both sides. Leaning slightly to the right… as they alway run with the wind… and attempt the most injury where the death pit, I mean sand-pit, is… Use the buggies to screen off your camp, and towels and biscotti to ring off territory. Train your toddlers to bite the ankles of anyone who breaches the borders and punch dogs…
Once in position, remember, pretend to pay attention by wearing large sunglasses whilst turned in your toddler’s general direction… and occasionally shouting random words whenever you hear a large splash or scream… Suck in your tummy whenever you realise you’re thinking about looking thin. And eat some cake. And gin. Yes, you can eat gin if you put it in cakes. Also, never get so cocky you think you can wear a bikini again… your life is about tankinis now. TAN-KI-NIS. And toblerones. And tanqueray.
Next. The swim nappy. A item sent down by the parenting overlords to taunt and ridicule parents. Don’t give in. NEVER give in. After an impressive scrabble with a Huggies Little Swimmer and some SPF 50, you have realised that bastard Pooh Bear is back to front, but there’s no time. The mums behind you have arrived ‘swim ready’ (whores) and are looking to monopolise the West Wing of the Toddler Area… CODE RED. CODE RED. CODE RED. Remove the nappy and commence operation ‘floater’. That should clear the area. Pull a smug face and eat some cake.
Other moves you can exercise in an emergency include the Naked Baby Nudey Run, The Poo Plunge, The Turd Torpedo, The Wee-Don’t-Need-You, and ultimately, The Kraken.