Dear fellow toddler-folk,
Recently Mummy and Daddy took me to something called a ‘wed-ding’. The first bit was rubbish but later in the day they went a bit wobbly and stopped paying attention to what I was doing, which was weird… but AWESOME.
Apparently these wedding-things happen quite a lot when it’s sunny, so if you happen to be taken to one, here’s my top ten tips for making the most of the proceedings:
- Churches are very quiet. Spice things up with a maraca solo. And a fart. (follow through if possible.)
- Sleep is for the weak. Beat yourself daily in preparation. Supplement with Haribo and chocolate Heinz Biscotti.
- Why walk anywhere when you can run, somersault and fly… The adults actually prefer this.
- Invent a new war cry for the occasion. Practice it in whenever everything goes really quiet. You’ll be rewarded with chocolate. And an iPhone. I guarantee it.
- NEVER rest while there’s dancing to be done.
- It’s not Pick and Mix, it’s SMASH AND GRAB. It’s every man for themselves. Come with tactics. And weapons.
- The best thing to stick in the chocolate fountain is your own face. Fact. F@*k the strawberries. If possible also wear white. Mummy loves that.
- If you see a water feature, lake or open window/door, wait until Mummy and Daddy have started to ‘relax’ and hurl yourself towards it at speed. Keeps the bastards sober.
- Don’t let them put you in the buggy. It’s a trick. Bite through sections of footmuff until you’re removed.
- Make friends with as many random children and babies as possible. Alone they can take you but together you are strong…