Dear fellow toddler-kind,
I have just had what I can only describe as the best THE BEST SHITTING WEEK OF MY LIFE. EVER. YES. EVEN BETTER THAN THE TIME MUMMY LEFT ME WITH DADDY AND I DRANK OUT OF THE TOILET.
What could possibly beat that I hear you ask?
Well – it was something called a ‘holliday’. And it was in a place called ‘Turkee’. And it was awesome.
My advice to you is to make it your sole mission in life to get your parents to take you on holliday by whatever means possible. Hunger strike, nappy removal, constantly re-setting the iPad home-page to Thomas Cook… they should get the hint eventually. It takes them a little while to catch on sometimes. You know what they’re like when they’re over-tired.
If you are lucky enough to make it on holliday here is my advice for making the most of it and ensuring it’s not all about them, and you do manage to get some ‘me time’.
This bit is rubbish. But don’t worry, there are ways to make it bearable: insist on an aisle seat so you can wave, touch and lick everyone that walks past. Also attempt to escape the orange belt of doom persistently whenever you see the seat-belt light come on. The more you attempt to escape, the more food they give you. Once you’ve managed an entire packet of apple biscotti, use this energy surge to exercise your legs on the seat in front. It won’t take long before they give in and pass you the DVD player, iPhones, Calpol syringe, Pringles… you name it. It’s yours. This lot should be enough to keep them quiet for the rest of the journey.
Once you arrive at your hotel, your parents will no doubt be a bit overtired and hungry. You managed to catch a few ZZZ’s on the flight after a fairly brutal biscotti come down, but they aren’t quite as organised… Use this time to scope out the distance from room, to fun pool, to playground, to soft play, to snack bar. This will be your domain. And it will be good. Oh yes it will be good. Work the angles. Hog the swings. Make it work for you.
Insist on soft play before and after meal-times, y’know – to ‘calm you down’. Idiots. And ensure you maintain a minimum of 30 minute pool and playground sessions. Unfortunately parents can’t go for much longer than this without needing something called a ‘beer’. Not sure what that is but it seems to give them renewed energy so let it happen.
Allow them to put you in the nursery for a couple of hours a day. It’s an ideal time for them to get their heads down and prepare for the evening’s soft-play/playground/spaghetti sessions. Scream continually as they attempt to leave, so they will continue to provide melon, chocolate and crisps out of guilt. For added effect call the attendant ‘Mama’ and give her a big hug and kiss as they turn for one last glance… Once you’re sure they’re out of earshot, paint the lady’s face, slap her and make her your bitch for the week. Make her truly understand that your will NEVER get bored of her stacking those cups.
Possibly the best part of all. Something called a ‘buffay’. Whatever they get you to eat. Shout ‘NO’ in increasing volume until you are given chips and ice-cream. Trust me. They will attempt vegetables, meats, rice dishes and exotic fruits…. don’t even taste it. You can tell just by looking at it that it’s not going to be for you. Even if it’s stuff you normally eat at home just hold out for the good stuff. BEIGE. FOOD. ONLY. It will take the folks a couple of days to cotton on, but at this point the ‘beer’ they have been drinking does start to effect their effort levels. Just keep it up. They’ll get it eventually.
Additionally. Remind them that any time of an evening they want you to be quiet and still, you’re going to need the DVD player. And enough Charlie and Lola to last the night. And another ice-cream. And they can forget about you wearing the f@*king hat ever again.
So you see, with a fairly small amount of ground work and training you too can enjoy a holliday. Trust me. You’ve earned it.