The Toddler Tan.

Finally some SUUUUUNNNNNN.

I thought I’d forgotten what that giant yellow bastard looked like…

However, I think spring may finally be here, and in typical British fashion I am now perma-wearing flip-flops and shorts until at least October, whilst complaining it’s too frigging hot. And pretending I actually look good in shorts. And hoping no-one notices my desperate need for a pedicure and the fact that I haven’t shaved my legs since childbirth.

I am a self-confessed sun-worshipper, but I last saw the sun at a point where my child was barely moving, so whilst it’s fair to say summer 2012 provided me with some interesting I CAN’T SHITTING DO THIS baby-in-sun moments, I fear it was nothing compared with sunny, sunny fun-time with a toddler… *sobs*

The first nightmare is sun tan lotion… Firstly you have to catch them… before 9am, while they still have all their power… and you are a gibbering, coffee-powered, mascara-less mess… Then you have to attempt a precision face application as they perform an angry hokey-cokey for you while you desperately try to avoid finger stabbing them in the eye with SPF 50… Once applied what you’ve basically done is turned them into a tiny, human grease-ball; so forget restraining them, holding hands or plucking then from a near death situation involving a swing or a labrador later… They will simply slip neatly from your grip. Whilst laughing. Probably taking some of your hair and/or flesh with them. Awesome.

Then clothing. The thing about WallyBubba’s summer clothing is it involves lots of pretty, floaty, loose-fitting things which allow her to strip herself in a matter of seconds and, far more excitingly, get to her own nappy. I can’t tell you how much I enjoy having a faeces/sun-tan-lotion combo spread across the picnic mat… from now on we are sticking to shorts. I can barely undo the button on most of them so I can’t see her managing it… #winning

Then there’s the hat*. These have actually been designed as a hilarious social experiment for parents globally to see how long it takes you to crack. When WallyBubba removes her hat (approx every 30 seconds throughout the entire day); she turns, stares at me, rips it dramatically from her head, glares at it, hurls it full force at the ground, stamps on it for good measure then legs it as fast as she can in the opposite direction… If I didn’t know better, I swear at the point where she plucks it disgustingly from her head she’s maintaining eye contact with me and mouthing ‘put that on my head again mother and I will f@*king set fire to you while you sleep…’

*WORD OF WARNING – don’t actually use the word ‘hat’ out loud in front of your toddler. Trust me. You will lose skin.

The stuff… dear lord THE STUFF… Nice picnic on the beach? NICE SHITTING PICNIC ON THE F-ING BEACH… I look like I’m packing for a 2-week holiday: swim nappies, normal nappies, spare nappies, swimming costumes (two), armbands, rubber ring, sun lotion, towels, hats, spare clothes, UV tent, wind breaker, drinks, lunch, change bag with all the usual crap in it, trike, bucket and spade, a selection of different sized balls, a frisbee, a gallon of gin and my f@*king soul in a cool box with some freezer blocks.


We’re staying inside this summer…

Or she’s just gonna have to get a toddler tan.

When does October come back round again…?



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