Firstly, if anyone hasn’t already read the MNI (Mums’ Night In) Rules – The Baby Version, here they are for you.
Leading on from those, with the Bumbo, Sophie the Giraffe and the Jumperoo packed away and replaced with raw pain, sorrow and mild alcoholism, the upgraded toddler MNI rules are as follows:
- First rule of MNI is you don’t talk about MNI.
- The second rule of MNI is if you have to talk about it, expect to drink A LOT of gin by way of punishment. *hiccup*
- BRING GIN (applies to all parenting. Yes. ALL PARENTING EVER. DON’T QUESTION ME.)
- Bring cake. Cake the size of your face. Made with chocolate, gin and suffering…
- Make a sacrifice to the Gin Goddess at the door by doing a shot of Calpol from the fisher price tea-set and punching Peppa Pig in her annoying smug face.
- Wear leather in some fashion to make you feel like you’re ‘out’. Pleather also acceptable. Also bring a handbag. And pretend to feel comfortable with it.
- Congratulate yourselves on losing the baby weight by all eating an entire cake the size of a face.
- The mum who has bought and sold the most buggies since childbirth gets extra cake.
- Bonus slices handed out for the most change bags, anyone who’s actually managed to sell baby clothing on eBay and largest toddler-powered triceps.
- TODDLER TALK IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. (or tequila – whichever seems easiest at the time)
- No crying whilst talking about your vagina*. (*the area formerly known as your vagina which was somewhat distorted after a human-being tobogganed out of it.)
- Congratulate yourselves on being literally the classiest and awesomest parents EVER by drinking until you can’t feel your face and can actually cry gin. Whilst straddling a scuttlebug. In pleather.
- If you run out of glasses use stacking cups. Or megabloks.
- Eat more face cake.
- Use the time when you are most drunk wisely – by planning the exact time you will all coordinate your next pregnancies… You’ve realised winter babies are crap. June is the perfect month to combine breastfeeding and sunbathing.
- Agree you are all DEFINITELY going for a run tomorrow morning. Then wake up, throw up
on a cat and apologise to Peppa Pig (and your vagina) before cancelling.