- You don’t own them, they own you.
- … and everything they can see, touch, smell, hear, scream at and take a shit on.
- Remember when you used to just ‘eat’….? Well you don’t do that any more. All food is theirs now. Except their own food. That shit is obviously disgusting.
- The bathroom is your only chance for peace. Use this time for crying, and Mars Bars, and Tanqueray.
- They sit… and watch… and they know where the on-switches to every musical toy you own are… One day they’ll set the whole lot off at once. And break you once and for all.
- Clothes are only there to be dragged around whilst naked.
- This includes your clothes. Strip or be subjected to the squeal-shout meltdown incorporating full body-flop. In our house; AKA the ‘WallyFlop’.
- When they bite, it hurts more than you ever shitting thought possible. Then you stand on a rogue Mega-Blok and realise that childbirth was f@*king NOTHING.
- Only toys which are ‘bash-able’ make the cut. Every else gets posted out of the cat flap.
- It only hurts if you’re watching.
- Never use a phone or remote control in front of a toddler. It could be the last move you ever make…
- The easiest way to get rid of the falling food debris is to eat it yourself. Nothing says ‘I’ve hit parenting rock bottom’ like consuming your child’s half-chewed rice cake shards…
- You said you wouldn’t let them eat in the buggy, and now you can see the funny side of this… as you scoop yoghurt/biscotti hybrid matter out of the footmuff…
- Saying no only encourages them. Like a red rag to a bull. After a while you just let them play with the plug sockets, suck on your iPhone and feed grapes to the DVD player. At least they’re quiet while they’re doing it.
- If you run out of yoghurt, there’s no helping you. Prayer is your only option.
- They don’t blink often enough… it’s freaky. They will always win a stare-down. And you’re right to be scared. Especially if they’ve noticed you’re running low on yoghurt.
- Thought it might be nice to not watch In the Night Garden on repeat today before bed? Thought an episode of Come Dine With Me might make a nice change? Well think a-shitting-gain. You’ll watch it, sing the Upsy Daisy song and do the circle hand thingy at the beginning or you’ll find them standing over you in the night, holding a kitchen knife and an open petit filous…
- Be calm. But be afraid. Until they’re four. Then send them to boarding school.
- The day they can operate doorhandles and taps is the day you are truly f@*ked.
- You’ll need a lot of gin. And there’s nothing wrong with concealing it in a sippy cup whilst out and about. You know. For convenience.
#bathroomTanqueray
#startinvestigatingboardingschoolsnow
#sippycupgin
hahaha! LOL'd a lot when reading that…Great post & so true 🙂
Replytee hee x glad u liked it 😉 thanks for commenting xxx
ReplyHilarious! this had me laughing out loud and the thing is, I feel your pain! we're at the same point with our little man.
lol x Let's have gin together! #mumsunite xxx
ReplySo funny! I have shared so expect an influx of views from my toddler mummy friends 🙂
Replytee hee x I will look forward to hearing about the shared pain! lol xxx thanks do much for sharing 😉 xxx
ReplyYet another great post. I used to think I was in charge and then I had my little girl!
ReplyIt's a quick and brutal lesson isn't it. lol x
ReplySaying no only encourages them. Like a red rag to a bull. After a while you just let them eat pens and feed grapes to the DVD player. At least they're quiet while they're doing it.
^^^That is my LIFE. I will say no a maximum of 5 times. if she doesn't listen, she can do what the fuck she wants.
I;m a great Mum, right?
Fab post as always x
ReplyPahahaha x no is a pointless word 😉 lets just swap it for a better one… How about gin? Lol x thanks for easing and commenting xxx
ReplyI laughed a lot.. and yes gin and yoghurt are the answer!!
I think u just invented a new product… #ginyoghurt I'd but it! Lol x
ReplyMade me laugh as ever. The photo is pretty freaky too!
ReplyThat's her angry face. They get scarier than that! lol x
I so wish you'd been around when I had my two youngest 18 months apart – although I have to admit I already knew about the gin (actually I typed gun there to start with – but I didn't want to put temptation in your way!)
Joy xx
lol – perhaps gun will be more accurate by the time I have another one! Imagine if I'd had twins… they'd have taken me off to the loony bin by now! xxx lol x glad u can laugh retrospectively 😉 haha x
ReplyAll so true!! I'm trying to get him to like Friends, but it's not as good as In the Night Garden and getting Mammy to do the Makka Pakka dance. I am sooooo good at that *cries* xx
ReplyWe've all gotta have skills… I'm actually quite impressed by that! 😉 xx
ReplyHehee soooo funny and so true. My child does this. Actually …this IS my child!!!
ReplyLol 😉
ReplyHa ha ha! Very funny. And YES to the circle hand thingy that I am expected to race to her to do in time!
ReplyIf I don't do it. She won't sleep. Fact.
ReplyHa! Yoghurt/biscotti hybrid… Add some raisins to the mix and that's what our car seat looks like 😉
ReplyYou just stop seeing it after a while dont you… Lol x
ReplySO funny ! I think men can be like this also
ReplyHa yes – I reckon nearly all can apply to either 😉 xx
ReplySo, let me get this right…if No. 13 is rock-bottom. The only way is up? Right? Right? *cry* Just over a month til boarding school though according to this. Better get a prospectus quick. My passport to sanity!
ReplyLOL – I'd get the bags packed ASAP. 😉 x no more part-digested rice cakes for you! xxx
ReplyOh no! Couldn't put gin in a sippy cup in case of confusion. Far better to use something more obvious, like blue Bols…
ReplyTee hee 😉 I can see you've done this before… Lol
ReplyToo true! Brilliant 🙂
ReplyThanks! Xxx
ReplyHaha sooo true, every word except that mine find me in the toilet too 🙁 x
ReplyHa! The way my house is layed out – I have a glass door between my front room and hall. So I can see her if I lean round the corner lol! Still quiet though… So I enjoy the time I have there alone… Hahaha xxx
ReplyRead this once and nearly weed laughing (it's what happens after having three kids). Just read it to husband and couldn't articulate for laughing/nearly weeing.
FYI: we have a toddler too…plus nearly 4 and seven year old. Must be a truly excellent post to have that effect on people 🙂 x
Lol – I'm so glad it made you wee! Ok – that came out wrong… haha! Thanks so much for reading 😉 xxx
Replylol bless x
Reply:))) x
Replywe are starting to get to the phones / remotes stage with my daughter but thankfully doorhandles / taps are some way off (I hope!). Loved this list x
ReplyHa 😉 u r on the cusp… Ur days r numbered… Lol xx
ReplyLoving this! Oh so very true 🙂
Replylol – thank you! xxx
Replytop tips lady!
Replyall completely serious… of course… lol x
ReplyFab post! Made me laugh xx
ReplyThank you :))) x
ReplyThis is so true! Haha! I LOL'd at this!
ReplyTee hee x glad it made u laugh! Xxx
ReplyPure brilliance!!
Replyhaha – thank you 😉 xxx
ReplyLove this! (although in my household even the bathroom doesn't mean peace. Toddler follows me in, with books, and sits down at my feet to read. If she's not inspecting my legs. Lovely!) 😉
Replyhahaha x I am clearly very lucky with my bathroom time… tee hee x thanks for the comment xxx
ReplyLoved this! And can definitely relate! And yes, I have to say my lo follows me everywhere, including the bathroom… I know no peace!!!
Replythank you! Yes, I yearn for the day I can wee in peace! lol ;P xx
ReplyNew reader and all ready a fan! Do you think number 3 is an evolutionary way to lose baby weight?
ReplyVery good. Here’s a better use of No. 4. From my favourite US blogger. It’s a few years old now but still good. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tl0bXiVody4
Replyheehee xx
Reply