Section 4a of the Official Pub Beer-Garden Rules and Regulations states parents adhere to and be advised by the following:
Active babies should remain on leads at all times. At busy times, please leave your baby in the pub doorway using the hook provided.
Please do not send your baby to the bar alone to order your drinks*. They become a trip hazard. *The above also applies to the beer tent outside
Keep drinks at a safe distance from grabby baby hands. Broken glass is bad for their health or something.
Please do not balance drinks on your baby. Use the buggy. Clearly.
Drinking pints of beer whilst in charge of an infant is not recommended. However anything drunk out of half pint glasses doesn’t count and neither does mine-sweeping.
Do not feed your child wine, there’s a beer festival on – it’s an insult. A few finger sucks of ‘Husband Ruiner’ dark ale should see them through the night.
The following are classified as official baby-change areas – the table, the bench, the bar, the floor, the beer-garden steps, the pushchair, the car boot, any car bonnet, your husband’s back and the pub cat.
This is the only time you can feed your infant chips and it won’t count. Later in life the same applies to Mars Bars. Unfortunately this stops when they turn nine.
Crisps do not counteract the effect of beer. Cider does.
Once you’ve had the standard ‘who’s driving home’ argument with your husband which inevitably ends in leaving the car at the pub… again… Baskets will be provided for sleeping infants.
It’s always your husband’s turn to drive home.