So finally the weather is turning…
The coats are coming back out and the heating is going back on, and luckily you know this because everyone is announcing it on Facebook. THANK GOD. And you can relax once again as you hide your razor, dig out your Ugg boots and for a moment, just a moment… begin to think that because it’s darker for longer your children might actually sleep for longer…
*Pauses and waits for realisation followed by hysterical/manic laughing, and eventual acceptance WE DON’T LIVE IN OZ WE ARE INFACT STILL JUST IN HAMPSHIRE. WHERE ALL THE TODDLERS STILL DON’T NEED ANY F@*KING SLEEP*
And now that’s over, on with my top tips to get ‘Winter Ready – #MummyStyle’.
- Dust off those leggings ladies… Luckily EPG (Excessive Pubic Growth) is set to be all the rage this winter. So why not get a head start from now I say… (I’m such a trend setter, I’ve been going strong since around mid-July.)
- Naturally the season’s must have style accessory will be a footmuff again… Yes. The one that no matter HOW MUCH YOU SWEAR WILL JUST NOT GO BACK ON THE MOTHER F@*%&¥&€%*ing BUGGY.
- And be sure to leave re-attaching your footmuff until the last minute. When it’s sub-zero outside. And you’re already running late. That way you can have extra wine later to go with your angry footmuff tears.
- Have an out of character ‘thrifty moment’ and buy a f@*k-ton of cut price suntan lotion in Boots, all ready for next year… then remember that you did that last year, and when it came to the beginning of summer you got paranoid it was ‘out of date’ and bought new stuff anyway… so the entire exercise was utterly pointless… like alcohol free wine. (Yes. This exists. Someone offered me some while I was pregnant…. They’re dead now.)
- Winter hair accessories… Oh wait. They’re the same as summer. But don’t forget to purchase about 70 packs of hair bands and curby grips over the coming months, lose them all, and still end up wearing a Peppa Pig scrunchy, some sparkly snap clips and some lumps of toddler porridge to hold your fringe back.
- As you’ll be spending more time at home now the weather’s cooler… Perhaps it’s time to actually put some recent photos up so there’s evidence that you have more than one child… So buy a load of photo frames (from TKMaxx. Obvs.)… Then just leave them somewhere (probably with at bottom of the stairs in the pile of all the other shit you need to do) until at least the New Year. (And blame your husband. Obvs.)
- Consider cleaning your windows. Eat Jaffa cakes until you no longer think about this.
- You’ll be using the car more when you go out now… So be sure to have topped up the kids piggy banks sufficiently over the summer so you can steal all the decent change for car parks…
- Decide to go on a ‘winter’ diet, (because the summer worked out REALLY WELL.) (It didn’t) by buying the new Body Coach book and a Nutri-bullet, and switching from white to red wine… that should do it. Reward yourself with an entire tin of Roses now that the Christmas offers have started… #berudenotto
- Finally. And obviously MOST importantly. Sort through your leggings to see which have holes, stains, thin areas and/or missing seams… All of which really need to go in the bin… Then completely ignore all these things, dig out some long tops and decide not to give a shit. With some red wine.