- Buy a Paddling Pool. Fill it and use it once… then leave the water in to stagnate for at least two weeks before deciding its festering condition has rendered it entirely unusable for the rest of the summer… Leave it there until the following February though. Just in case.
- The longer you spend setting up your own private garden-based wonder-splash-land, the quicker they’ll decide they’d rather have a Peperami and watch Paw Patrol… Obvs.
- Invest in hardcore, industrial-strength UV suits with matching hats (yes – the ones with that wanky bit that hangs down the back), towels, ponchos, goggles, armbands… ALL the bollocks. And be absolutely sure to not have any of it with you every time you do go to the local splash park and mostly let them run around in their pants. Praying to Jesus one of them doesn’t curl one off in the water jets.
- Decide to dine ‘Al Fresco’. Like they do on the telly. And in dreams… Then realise after 47 seconds that this IS A LIE. And learn very quickly that you are a complete dick for investing in decorative stones. You dick.
- As soon as they see blue skies. They ask for play-sand. Smell your fear. And demand a Cornetto.
- Spend approximately twelve-grand on amazing garden activity toys and watch as they spend an hour fighting over who gets to play with the scabby garden broom and a twig you used to scrape up some cat-shit the day before…
- No person who goes to a pub garden with their children without an iPad ever actually enjoys it…
- DRINKS ON PATIOS DON’T COUNT.
- The last person with a toddler who said ‘Let’s go to the beach?!’ didn’t know that what would really break them as a person was putting a child’s hat on 4,000 times before buying some chips and hiding a poo in the sand they promised never to talk about ever again… you should think about that.
- (And gin. You should think about gin.)
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