How to Know You’re a Parent in the Twenty-Teens…

If you’re the parent to a toddler or pre-schooler right now, then you’ll need this. Here’s how to be a Mummy to babies born in the twenty-teens.

You’re welcome.

1. First things first you’ll need some Uggs. To wear with your leggings. And some converse and jeggings for ‘special occasions’.
2. Your main outgoing besides wine and your mortgage is re-buying Sophie the Giraffe. Seriously… where do they all go…?! Probably the same graveyard as all the bastard VTech Walkers with their missing twatting green phones.
3. You used a Bumbo. On your coffee table. Without the strap. *pauses and waits for gasps of shock and horror* (And lied about it)
4. Your social life exists on Whatsapp. And joining local mummy Facebook groups simply for ‘entertainment’ so you can watch when a fight breaks out as one lone mum asks if it’s ok to use a Bumbo on her coffee table… shit.
5. You own the Annabel Karmel baby & toddler recipe book. It’s still there on your shelf… Scowling at you and your chicken dippers… Full of good intentions and broken dreams…
6. You do swimming classes just to get the underwater ‘Nirvana Baby’ picture. Even though you’ve had to remortgage your house to pay for them…
7. You spend about an hour each night reading The Gruffalo by the light of the Gro-Clock hoping that your Gro-blind will somehow make your child sleep past 6am one day… #stillfuckingwaiting
8. You’ve read all the articles about getting Calpol free… But somehow you still pay for it… You don’t really know why… You bloody rebel.
9. Your child was weaned on Ella’s Kitchen pouches and maybe possibly some Chicken McNuggets. Because they officially cancel each other out. YES. THEY DO.
10. Baby Sensory. Baby Signing. Baby Gymnastics. Baby Raves. And a Peppa-Twatting-Pig-Bastard-Aqua-Doodle. You can’t pretend this wasn’t your life for the first two years…
11. Along with Snooze-Shading up your iCandy/Bugaboo Travel System complete with your Mummy-Clip, Pottette and Mini-Micro Scooter. All of which fit neatly in your (probably Japanese) MPV.
12. Your living room was coordinated around a Jumperoo for the first year (even when they stop using it at around 9 months…). And now your Facebook timeline is co-ordinated around people trying to sell the bastard things. Along with people running marathons, asking you to sign petitions and completely hilarious awesome blogs you should definitely all follow… *coughs*
13. Your key achievements as a parent have been getting your children to an age that your can be one of the ‘At-The-Side-With-A-Latte’ Mums. And you regularly discuss with your mum-friends that the main drawbacks of your life are that there is no late-night-soft-play restaurant in walking distance where you can be a ‘At-The-Side-With-A-Wine’ Mum. #firstworldproblems
14. All your kids’ crockery and cutlery comes from IKEA. Where you go to feed and entertain them for £1.
15. And your ability to entertain them elsewhere mostly relies on the CBeebies or YouTube app on the iBabysitterPad.
16. Your future hopes and goals for them are that by the time they go to school they’ll be out of Sock-ons and Skibz, with a penchant for a mean Babychino which they drink whilst playing with a selection of gender neutral toys and a fat Barbie ordered with an Amazon Prime account. The End. Boom.

#youalsodrinkgin