Dear fellow babies, toddlers and other members of the anti-hat movement,
Winter is coming…. (well, actually it’s here.) And with it… *shudders* … mittens.
Along with ridiculous headwear provided by your parents with the sole aim of ridiculing you on social media, while somewhere in the future your 18-year-old self dies a little and ponders if this was the moment you became destined to die alone surrounded by cats, sat in your own urine, wearing nothing but a hand-knitted snood with antlers.
So. Heed these words little folk.
This is the must-have guide and essential list of key skills for surviving this winter:
- Gloves are best disposed of whilst in transit. Launch from the buggy repeatedly until they get the message. (Mummy & Daddy can be a little slow with these things…) Find your own natural rhythm. Pick up a breeze and let the wind finish the job. *Additional Note: To get better launch trajectory, suck the fingers into a cone shape to increase aero-dynamics.
- You wish to wear your wellies every single day. Except when it’s raining. (Obviously) Then you’ll wear your flip flops, a Spider-man suit and an Elsa wig, and THEY’LL BASTARD-WELL LIKE IT.
- Cry every day until it snows. Then. When it snows, realise you hate snow and cry every day.
- Cold is a state of mind. If you wish to be naked. It’s your right to be naked. No matter how much the people in the fruit aisle at Tescos stare…
- If Mummy’s left summer clothing in the wardrobe then frankly that’s her own fault. Punish her by insisting on wearing only your swim poncho and a pair of culottes until Christmas.
- Socks are for dicks. Warm your feet up via the medium of dance.
- FOOTMUFFS ARE FOR THE WEAK. Plank until they break… PLANK UNTIL THEY BREAK. (or give you a packet of fruit wriggles. Either/Or.)
- Wait until all twelve layers of outerwear are complete before announcing (or simply commencing) ‘Winter Poomageddon’.
- Give mummy a light work out as you walk around town by removing your hat every four or five seconds or so. Each time she leans in to replace it… GO FOR EYES, FACE AND HAIR. I REPEAT. EYES, FACE AND HAIR. That’ll teach her for leaving the house without sweetcorn rings.
- And finally… Yes. You fully accept the coat. But you do not accept it done up.