Dear Mummy… we just wanted to say thank you,
For putting up with all of our shit.
We’re sorry for the winging, the crying and the whining,
And all the times we punched you in the tit.
We’re sorry you never have time to shave your legs.
We’re sorry that you’ve now grown a tash…
We’re sorry you don’t get to wear a bra anymore.
And we’re sorry about the baggy vag.
We’re sorry your tummy looks like a dehydrated scrotum,
We’re sorry you leak a bit when you laugh.
We’re sorry you never get to eat toast on your own.
We’re sorry we’ve lost seven Sophie the Giraffes.
We’re sorry about the Cheerios and human shit in your hair,
We’re sorry about the substantial loss of skin…
We’re sorry you never get to poo alone,
We’re sorry that CBeebies has driven you to gin.
So thank you, our Mummy, for all of the things,
You put up with from us every day.
You’re the best f@*king Mummy that we’ve ever had,
And we love you in every way.
(We also got you this daffodil with fox turd on it that we found in the road. Enjoy.)