10 Myths About Newborn Babies and Other Shit to Cry to…

  1. That newborn baby smell…? That’s sections of stuck on vagina and neck-curdled breast milk. Yeah. Kiss my baby
    now.
  2. Sterile water and cotton wool balls does not bastardy-well cut it during a projectile poonami. Frankly, this is a job for Cillit Bang and wine.
  3. You will never leave the house without muslins ever again. No matter how crusty they (or you) are.
  4. Sleep when the baby sleeps… Do you actually want me to stab you?! If you need me, I’ll be doing tequila shots to the face and picking the crispy bits off my leggings during the 45 minutes he’s slept today thanks.
  5. Mirrors (and salad) make you sad now…
  6. Of course having a baby doesn’t impact negatively in your marriage/relationship… which is why you’ve booked a Hysterectomy, and got some vodka and your episiotomy selfie saved on the iPad in case he tries to come near you with his penis.
  7. You don’t know why your baby is f@*king crying. You just know you have nipples. And that works. #nipplewin
  8. ‘Dreamfeed’ implies some kind of sleep. You’re not ready to laugh about this yet. *heads to a darkened corner and rocks back and forth hugging some gin*
  9. You would do anything for someone to take the baby off your hands for an hour or so… Until someone offers and you want to punch them in the face for even beginning to suggest you are not coping. Wankers.
  10. Whatever the question, the answer really does always begin (and end) with #gin.

#gin
#episiotomyselfie

 

12 Comments

  1. Jess Hill March 18, 2015
  2. Kim Carberry March 18, 2015
  3. Pickinguptoys March 18, 2015
  4. sabrina montagnoli March 18, 2015
  5. jerry arnold March 18, 2015
  6. Donna March 18, 2015
  7. stupidgirl45 March 18, 2015
  8. Laura Powell-Corbett March 19, 2015
  9. SarahMummy March 19, 2015
  10. Mummy Tries March 19, 2015
  11. Tales From the Dad Side October 16, 2015

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