Valentines Dos & Don’ts for Knackered Mums & Dads

Valentine’s Day means very little in our household, my priorities lie firmly with crying on the toilet, finding human shit behind my ear, discovering new ways to hide vegetables in cheese products, and other important life skills like that…

But, never one to shy away from an opportunity to guilt-trip the husband, here’s my take on injecting romance into what would otherwise be another soul-less ear-faeces-laden day.

Do – remind each other how flipping awesome you are, despite the fact you are being forced to have that conversation whilst your wife expresses with one hand and does shots of wine with the other… You’ve made humans. ACTUAL HUMANS. And there was NEVER a better reason to reward yourself with an M&S dine-in-for-two meal…
Don’t – waste a shit evening in a packed restaurant with a ton of other couples trying to resist the urge to check their twitter feeds over an over-priced steak. You’ll be forced to wear a proper underwear… and let’s face it. Bras just aren’t for you any more.

Do – get off F-ing Facebook for the night… and try an actual ‘con-ver-sat-ion’. About something other than ear-faeces if possible.
Don’t – spend the entire night on social media feeling equally irritated and jealous as all your twatty child-free friends post pictures of their actual ‘florist-bought’ flowers along with smug pictures of jewellery and handbags oh-so-originally captioned ‘the boy done good’…. F@*kers. One day, their vaginas will know true pain, and what’s it’s like to never wish to be near a thong or penis ever again…

On a separate note, can I just take this opportunity to say thanks Timehop. You total shit. For flagging up today’s photo of me, 5 years ago, thin, with in-tact vagina, in Venice, smugly holding a Marc Jacobs bag, captioned ‘the boy done good’. Oh… Shit.

Do – buy each other gifts that aren’t made out of pasta and snot, or bought from the Tesco garage on the way home…

Don’t – make jokes about how long it’s been since you’ve had a blowjob thinking this might ‘inspire one’. It doesn’t. Mulberry handbags and Louboutins do.
Do – pack the small people off to bed early, (preferably in a different location – a friend’s, Granny’s, the garden… etc) and enjoy some ‘Mummy/Daddy time’… 
Don’t – use the word Valentines as a verb or out of context… For example; ‘I am going to valentines the shit out of you’, or, ‘tonight, to make things really special, let’s shave your valentines together.’ No. just no.
Do – get yourself weighed. Make a note of it. Purchase this many pounds of chocolate. And tuck in using only your face. Ahhh the romance…
Don’t – make the mistake of thinking fruit is sexy. Once you’ve seen a toddler take a shit after eating raspberries you can’t un-see it… So scrap the berries. Unless you want to give up all hope of ever getting that blow job. Ever.

The End.

*Heads off to express and do some wine shots* 

#HappyBastardValentines.

6 Comments

  1. Kim Carberry February 13, 2015
  2. Donna February 13, 2015
  3. Mardy Kerrie February 13, 2015
  4. SarahMummy February 14, 2015
  5. Californian Mum in London February 14, 2015
  6. Odd Socks and Lollipops February 15, 2015

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