Dear fellow big sisters, big brothers, scab-pickers and other completers of the mega-tantrum,
Please relax, (if this causes you to fart, don’t worry – remember you now have a baby to blame this on…) and allow me to enlighten you on how to turn the ‘sibling-situation’ to your advantage.
- Firstly. Use this opportunity to ask for a new bedroom, full iPad rights, the destruction of all vegetables and 2-ft of real blond hair. So that you can complete your transformation into Elsa for once and for all.
- Cafes present a new domain of terror for Mummy now… you don’t need to run… you just need her to know that you could if you wanted to. Or if she didn’t buy you cake.
- Any time the baby is sat on someone’s lap, you are too. BECAUSE THAT’S JUST HOW IT IS NOW BITCH.
- No. You can’t see the problem with watching Frozen for the twelth time in back to back sittings… But you can however see why Mummy needs Spanx. And a lot of make-up. And some serious highlights.
- Develop a new laugh for this new period of your life… One that is in fact a shout and ends in you taking a shit underneath a randomly selected piece of furniture. Because you can.
- Ask for a nappy for your favourite doll… Everyone will think you’re so cute. Until you place a human turd in it and eat it like a f@*king sandwich.
- Photobomb your new sibling wherever you can… Own that shit. If you still get ignored break into interpretive dance. Any where. Any beat. Any time. With knives.
- Need Mummy’s attention? Begin by affectionately stroking your younger sibling’s head or face, move on to a gentle kiss on the cheek, then when everyone expects it least use a packet of strawberry wriggles to spell out the words ‘YOU’RE NEXT…’ on their forehead… That’ll teach the bitch to check Facebook on her phone when she’s supposed to be taking part in your three-hour disney-dance-a-thon.
- If you want to earn brownie points with the folks, be really helpful when your younger sibling is having their nappy changed… Pass mummy a nappy, or the baby wipes, or a section of your ear severed off with a Hello Kitty knife and placed in a box with a note written in the ear-blood reading ‘why don’t you love me anymore…??’ (or something.)
- And finally. Remember. You don’t need to acknowledge adults now. You can just ignore them. This is your time to shine… or sit around fiddling with your fanjo until someone brings you a hobnob. Same thing really.