First of all.
You look like shit.
But that’s ok. Because your compared to your vagina right now you’re a vision of beauty…
No matter how tempting it is, do not sneak a peak with the hand mirror. You should have learnt your lesson from last time. #roadkill
Second of all.
Because if you’re reading this back then you’ve made not one, but TWO goddamm human beings with your fanny, given up alcohol for 9-months TWICE and now you deserve a bloody big bastard pat on the back and a visit from Jesus himself by way of apology for the vag-damage. In fact. Scrap that. Gary Barlow should be writing a song in your honour right now to celebrate your awesome contribution to society and is probably definitely on his way round with Howard, Mark and some fucking trumpets to serenade the shit out of you and your awesome person-producing uterus.
So here’s some advice from your pregnant/angry (#prangry) self which I need to impart incase you ever think pregnancy is a good idea again…
- Remember yourself right now. You have the circumference of Russia. And if that isn’t enough then this is the moment to get the hand mirror out.
- Two words. FACE GIRTH.
- You’re so emotional you were actually on the verge of needing counselling after the John Lewis Christmas Ad.
- You are still yet to watch the Sainsbury’s one the entire way through and that is best for everyone.
- You’ve only survived pregnancy with a two year old because of Frozen. But it’s been a double edged sword; yes you’ve micro-napped your way through several hours of disney baby-sitting, but now every time you hear ‘Let it Go’ you have to punch yourself in the face and do a Gaviscon shot just to make it to the end…
- The toddler has forgotten that cooking ever happened and now believes all food comes to the door via ‘The Pizza Man’. You supplement with carpet raisins. You don’t even care. You’re eating a cheesy garlic pizza bread with no hands as you’re typing this…
- Stairs. They’re just not for you anymore.
- And anyone who thinks pregnancy is empowering hasn’t ever tried to get out of a roll top bath on their own whilst full term.
- When you sit down, your bottom now forms a little shelf behind you which the toddler can use to sit on… If it wasn’t so horrific, it’d be quite practical. And if only ‘Bumbo’ hadn’t already been patented eh…
- There is an actual roll of fat where your wrist meets your hands. Yes. You have developed actual arm-cankles. Or wrankles.
- From nip to naval you look like you’ve been carved out of blue stilton. Yes. Veiny. Beautiful. #stiltontits
- No-one should have to shoe-horn their feet into socks.
- Also. Your maternity leggings are actually too small. TOO SMALL. Thanks for that little boost H&M, it was exactly what my self esteem needed after harbouring a tiny man in my womb for 40 weeks without any f@*king wine to numb my enormous face.
- I think Wrankles deserves another mention.