Dear friends, toddlers, carpet-raisin seekers and repellers of the potty,
Mummy and Daddy have been doing up our house. Don’t really know why. Looks fine to me. I can get to my all my toys, see the television and reach the biscuit cupboard. What’s not to like?!
But there’s lots of banging and strange noises, and Mummy seems to be spending even more time telling Daddy off and less time up in my grill. So clearly this is an opportunity to be capitalised on…
Help Daddy work by performing a sequence of interpretative modern dances as he drills. Wear your ‘jazz trousers’ for this. Fashioned from discarded playdoh and cat hair.
If Mummy starts trying to get involved, a swift punch to the vagina should bring her attention back onto you. While she’s weak and in pain, take the opportunity to suggest now is a good time for ice cream.
This is the perfect opportunity for you to demonstrate your sweeping, hoovering and sawdust-eating skills. They’ll be impressed, trust me.
The more they tell you stay away from the ‘danger zone’, the closer you should get. Make it a game. They like that.
Plus – the more relentless you are at this, the more episodes of Peppa Pig you’ll get to watch. Naked. *high five*
Send the cats in for counter attacks while you snack.
Don’t forget to continually offer encouragement by asking ‘whyyy is there such a big hole there now?’, crying whenever Mummy uses the hoover and screaming every time the drill goes off.
Suggest you’ll be of greater help with your own miniature digger and high-vis jacket. Along with your jazz trousers. Of course.
Be sure to take note of all the naughty words Daddy says while using the hammer. There’ll be some good ones. Everyone at nursery will LOVE them.
The toolbox will most definitely look better with a little decoration. Glitter-up those screwdrivers, raisin up those nails and bejazzle the shit out of that drill. Boom.
If they’re painting. You’re painting. If you’re not given a paintbrush and paint within an adequate amount of time, take a protest shit on the sofa and do your own f@*king painting with that.