The Wanky Play-Doh Inspector and Other Things I’ve Become Since Owning a Toddler….

There is nothing quite like playtime with a two-year old to make you realise how much of a control freak you are.

Remember before you had children… when your vagina was predominantly on the inside… and you thought you’d be one of those relaxed, chilled out parents who would have relaxed, chilled-out children who just were well behaved and just kept things neat and tidy and shit…Oh how you can laugh about that now…

The sort of manic laughing that turns into crying and rocking and ends with you doing a shot of tequila to the eye…

Yes.As the owner of a ninja-biro-stealing-turd-smearing-migit (cleverly passing herself off as a toddler) who likes to eat play-doh until she’s shitting rainbows across my living room, I can assure you that there is no such thing as a ‘neat’ toddler and anyone who ever says otherwise is lying. And deluded. And clearly not drunk enough.

The truth is I am just a really shit mummy when it comes to crafts, messy play, painting, drawing and frankly any activity where my child has apparatus with which to ruin my *carpet. (*life)

I can’t let go.I can’t relinquish control.

I just can’t do it.

There. I admit it.

I can’t watch her smash the red play-doh into the blue one without physically wincing, calling the entire thing off and spending the next 20 minutes unpicking the two until I’m satisfied no hybrid purple matter remains and my breathing returns to normal.

Despite setting up my dining room like a kill scene from Dexter ready to do ‘painting’ with the toddler *shudders*, I can’t help but notice the vein in my neck throbbing as my blood pressure rises and I sit fighting the urge to PAINT THE F@*KING THING MYSELF IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MIX ALL THE PAINTS UP, SMEAR IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE, ROLL IN IT AND GO HUG THE FRIDGE.

How the f@*k do they notice the one biro you’ve carelessly not quite hidden well enough from across the living room. And why can’t they just stay in the f@*king lines… THE F@*KING LINES.

Crafts… seriously… with toddlers…?! Do people really do this and not mentally break down after the first 20 or 30 seconds…? Why can’t their annoying chubby little hands thread the pasta onto the string? Why not? It’s not hard. Look I’ve just done ten with one hand FFS. Then before you know it, I’m elbow deep in a conchigelle tiara and she’s buggered off to poke a dog in the face.

Also. We don’t do baking anymore.

And we don’t talk about why.

And if anyone so much as utters the words ‘glitter glue’ I break out in hives and have to go lie down in a darkened room for an hour.

So, to anyone who manages any of the above without developing ticks and/or a mild alcohol dependency I salute you.

Yours sincerely (and slightly drunkenly),

The Wanky Play-Doh Inspector and Self-Confessed Shit Craft Mummy

#wankyplaydohinspector
#outdoorvagina
#gin

 

 

badmumsclub

60 Comments

  1. Cath Fryer May 31, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  2. Gemma @ Forever21 May 31, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  3. LilB May 31, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  4. Jess Paterson May 31, 2014
  5. Donna May 31, 2014
  6. Louise Fairweather May 31, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  7. Hurrahforgin May 31, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  8. Lucy (_lab_) June 1, 2014
  9. Alison Bloomer June 1, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  10. The Reading Residence June 1, 2014
  11. Genna Millar June 1, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  12. Tom IdeasforDads June 1, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 1, 2014
  13. Tas D June 2, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 2, 2014
  14. Suzanne W June 2, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 2, 2014
  15. lindseyk June 2, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 2, 2014
  16. CraftyMama June 2, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 2, 2014
  17. Tammie Whitehouse June 2, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 2, 2014
  18. Judith Hurrell June 2, 2014
  19. Laura Mummy to Boyz June 2, 2014
  20. Morgana Butwhymummywhy June 5, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 5, 2014
  21. Emma Kershaw June 7, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 7, 2014
  22. Elisa Tomba June 7, 2014
  23. Aimee June 12, 2014
    • Wally Mummy June 12, 2014
  24. Mama May 14, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 14, 2015
  25. Charly 4boys May 14, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 14, 2015
  26. plutoniumsox May 14, 2015
    • Wally Mummy May 14, 2015

Leave a Reply